Me: I can’t work today.
Boss: Why?
M: My grandma died.
B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago.
M: …
-Why working for your brother is a bad idea.
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*I accidentally fall onto my computer and it logs me into Facebook* crap
*I try to get up but fall again and it causes me to type in my ex’s name* dangit
*I fall yet again and comment “your baby looks cross-eyed” on his album* oh shoot
wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?
me: ok I know this looks bad
me: it needs a belt right?
A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.
Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.
Date: I like bad boys.
Me: I’m a drug dealer.
Date: But one that is also responsible.
Me: At a pharmacy.
Spoiler alert: The fairytale ends with the prince at work, 3 whiney kids, and you are cinderella AND the wicked witch.
God: the quarterly meeting of 2020 will come to order
Satan: under new business please add timing to release 4th horseman of the apocalypse
G: this is the last time I bet with you on the winner of Dancing with the Stars
S: LOL
G: LOL
The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.
I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality
the dog is mad at me bc i wouldn’t let him eat sriracha off the ground and my feelings are hurt so no i don’t want children.
My boss says I have to wear pants to work even if it is my birthday. Rude.
i hate being a girl i wish i was a computer virus
I got sunburned at the beach and now my husband won’t listen to anything I say because he doesn’t “take advice from tomatoes.”
My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account
WIFE: It’s either me or th-
ME: He has name
WIFE: OR the goose.
ME: Say it.
WIFE:…
ME: Say his name.
WIFE:…
ME: Why won’t you love Tom Honks
Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.
Him: Are you perioding?
Me: Are you deathwishing?
It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.
Team leader: This is a do or die situation.
Me: It absolutely is not.
Finally
Noah: I need 2 of every animal
Shark: even us?
Noah: no, you can swim
Unicorn: I’m pretty good at swimming
Noah: go for it
If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.
[black jack]
DEALER: 14
ME: hit me
D: 16
M: hit me
D: 23
M: hit me
D:
M:
D:
M: make it look good so my wife believes I was mugged
Wizard of Oz: The good news is I can give you a human heart
Tin Man: Then what’s the bad news
Wizard of Oz: We’re gonna need an umanhay acrificesay *side nodding at Dorothy*
Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.
My husband washed the dog with my expensive shampoo again. I sure hope that crate is big enough for both of them to sleep in tonight.
Flock of bats
[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.
GMO bananas: turn brown for what?
One of the kids said, “Camping looks fun,” so tonight we’re watching The Revenant.