DOCTOR: I have some bad news. You have HIV
ROMAN: What?!
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions at this time?
ROMAN: Yes, wtf is H4?
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santa: make me a hundred thousand PlayStations
elf: *holding only a hammer* how
Nothing but love for the older woman who saw her husband staring at two people screaming at each other in the grocery store parking lot, said “mind your business, Morty,” before looking at me, thirty feet away, and saying, “you too.”
Plagiarism is bad? Change a few words, that shit is yours. It’s like when you change a baby’s clothes- new baby. New baby that’s yours now.
Stop sending me this shit.
Sure sex is great but have you ever turned off the news?
Barney: I love you, you love me
Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing
Europe. Made in Germany.
careful fellas!
when you text a girl, you also text like 7 of her other friends.
My neighbor just pulled into his driveway with a new washer and dryer and now he’s headed this way …. So this gives me about 4 seconds to dislocate my shoulder.
[being robbed]
Me: careful.. I’m ARMED
*whips out bible
Robber: lol
*pulls gun out of bible
R: oh
*pulls smaller bible out of gun
I followed the link to your résumé but it brought me to some website called FunnyTweeter..? Anyway Im laughin my butt off, youre hired dude
A guy in the store on his cell said “Susan, I’m in my car on my way” so I yelled “NO HE’S NOT!” Because nobody lies to Susan in front of me.
There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.
Next time you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks, assert dominance by saying come in
If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.
The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.
Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now
I’m at the point in my life where “friend with benefits” just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.
[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me:
wife:
me: Well that was a waste of $100
Men’s 3-in-1 soap is for your hair, body, and car.
From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
Soda bread tastes so good after I remove 200 raisins from each square inch of bread.
Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.
Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.
Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?
dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything
Her: How’d you get those weird scars on your arm?
*remembers wrestling kid for last piece of birthday cake & getting sporked*
Rattle snake
Wait, Omicron isn’t the latest crypto currency?
in the movies everyone can hotwire a car in ten seconds meanwhile it takes me twenty minutes to find the gas flap release on a rental
Mess with your coworkers by walking up behind them and whispering in their ear, “strike two”