If you’ve already seen a couple of chickens break up a couple of rabbits fighting today then just keep on scrolling…
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Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.
11 years ago when trying to bag my boyfriend I tried to eat a whopper in front of him in a hot way and I 100% pulled it off. In a way I am more proud of that than my records.
If you’re searching for a woman who’s sweet and funny and has her life together then look no further because that one at the table behind me seems like she does.
babe can i sit under your desk and distract you with my mouth while you work? *starts chewing electrical cords*
Told my husband that I was the prettiest girl in Walmart today and he replied “No offense sweetie, but I’ve been the prettiest girl at Walmart”
Well, Jesus, now all Samsung’s competitors have to say is “we won’t blow up in your pocket and set you ablaze!”
Someone asked where I’m from and I said Wisconsin. She got excited, “Like That ’70s Show!” and I clarified, “More like Making a Murderer.”
Today’s mission to embrace your inner child, bite a stranger throw a tantrum and take naps
I missed my calling in advertising.
“Chocolate diamonds, for when you want your expensive jewelry to look like actual shit.”
But my sandwich is so dry!
“Sorry sir, that’s not what we do here at the Mayo Clinic.”
A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.
Son: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.
Dad: Are you insane?
Have you completely lost your mind?
Are you a moron?Son: Forget it! There are way too many requirements!
*pulls out earbud*
What?
“We need to talk.”
*pulls out earbud*
“You’ve been spending too much time at Chernobyl.”
*pulls out earbud*
No way
1) Put on chicken costume
2) Go to store to pick up eggs
3) Run up to store manager and emotionally scream “WHO DID THIS TO MY CHILDREN????”
There’s no limit to a child’s imagination? My 2 year old is yelling at me for taking too big of a bite from her pretend sandwich and she can’t make another one because we’re all out of pretend bread.
We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man
(painted my 7yr old’s nails)
7: I know you did the best you could, it’s just that, the colors we’re supposed to have an ombré effect.
Me: Oh, an ombré effect. Well, if you’re dissatisfied with the service please feel free to leave a negative review for my non existent nail salon.
really slow day at 911. im just calling random numbers and asking ‘you good???’
My husband called and said he wants tacos for dinner. We’ve been together for 30 years and I still can’t tell whether or not it’s a euphemism.
How many days should i wait before i call my senator, i don’t want to seem desperate
If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified
“Did you get that thing done I asked you for?”
Starting to miss the kids after 5 days at grandma’s, so I wistfully dumped a bin of toys on the floor and sprinkled crumbs on the couch.
there were like 2 years when american internet culture was obsessed with bacon and at the time we thought that was as bad as it could get
[Dog doing something I don’t want him to do]
Me: No
Dog: “Dear Sir or Madam: Thank you for your thoughts on the matter. We shall take them under advisement.”
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
“any ideas?”
let’s tie a bunch of helium balloons together & then hold onto the strings
“whoa whoa whoa, let’s not get carried away”
Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
if a cop pulls u over play dead