My signature move is asking a co-worker wearing a suit on dress down Fridays, “how did the job interview go?” in front of everyone.
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All I’m saying is that there is enough time left of 2020 for some guy to open up a theme park with real dinosaurs that will eventually break free and eat us all.
It finally happened. A real human asked me to write an obit that stated “he died doing what he loved” and it took everything in me to keep my shit together about that.
“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.
“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning
It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”
Bully gets me in a headlock not realizing my entire head is pre-slathered in fish oil and I just slip right out! The janitor chants my name.
Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”
Me: Wanna take this upstairs?
Her: Mhm, but you should know it’s my first time
Me: Don’t worry, upstairs is like the downstairs, just higher
M: what’s this about, 007?
James Bond: he’s plotting revolution, ma’am
M: are you sure?
JB: he’s happy to confess, ask him
M: *turning to the suspect* what do you have to say for yourself?
pigeon: coo
M: my god man, you’re right!
My 3yo is wearing a hoodie backwards and is storing snacks in the hood and I am in amazement that I created something this magnificent.
Im so mad Trump pulled out of the Paris Climate Agreement that I’m going to go read the Paris Climate Agreement now.
so you’re telling me a boot cut these jeans
[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER:
ME:
HER: k-i-m
ME:
Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.
Thought it was funny when my 2yo was walking around saying “where are my keys!?” like his dad but now he’s saying “where’s my purse?!” and he’s gone too far.
Dear toilet paper companies
I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials
“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”
– Adam & Eve on laundry day
me: are you telling me how to raise my children?
necromancer: trying to, yeah
My coworker has inspirational quotes up in her cubicle and one of them says “choose your destiny” so I guess she plays Mortal Kombat too.
How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.
[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl
How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.
My family wanted a Disney experience so I charged them $150 to stand in a line for three hours before taking our daughter to the bathroom.
An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.
Genie: So let me get this straight, your first wish was for your cat to talk?
Me: yes.
Genie: and then your second wish was he couldn’t talk anymore?
Me: He was mean to me.
Genie: And now your third wish is he can talk again?
Me: I just thought of a great come back!
Memo means idiot in Spanish. So yeah, I’ve written plenty of memoirs.
No pants were worn during the making of this tweet.
I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.
Professor i’d like an extension on my paper. why? well my ex just got married & i have to comment “lame” on all her wedding pics on facebook
“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”