Get you a man who isn’t really into movies: He’ll never know that sweet love note you wrote him is really just a series of lines from Field of Dreams.
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genie: you get three wishes
me: i wish you were terrible at math
genie: ok you’re out of wishes
me: wait no
(Writing in food journal)
me: for lunch I had sa………
trainer: (interrupting) salad. awesome.
me: sake.
“just great, I’ve lost my house my wife is leaving and my kids hate me how can this day get any worse”
-A dinosaur, 66 million years ago
Him: [running out of burning house carrying two house plants and three Led Zeppelin CDs] I DIDN’T KNOW WHICH PLANTS YOU WANTED
Star Wars spoiler:
Leia is Han’s father
Scanned a customer in the eyes with a barcode reader for being rude to me….
…should have seen the look on his face, it was priceless
My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
BRUCE WAYNE: [enters meeting room still wearing Batman cape] what’s first today?
NEW GUY: OMG Bruce Wayne is Bat-
INTERN: [covering new guy’s mouth] we pretend we don’t know
If only the person that named “walkie talkies” had been in charge of naming so many more household objects.
I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.
[latest bio rejection from christian mingle]
Interested in both term and whole life insurances.
My toddler climbed out of her crib and my first thought was “Why don’t they make some kind of lid or attachment for the top of these things?”
Then I realized thaaaaat’s a cage.
[space station]
me: *winks* let’s get astronaughty
her: seriously?
me: honestly, the only reason i became an astronaut was to say that
For the last time, I don’t have any secret prison camps.
Anyone who doesn’t believe me will be sent to a secret prison camp.
Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man
Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse
I hate when boxing announcers say a boxer is “down for the count.” I don’t care that he loves Dracula I just want to know who’s winning.
A man was arrested on Brighton beach today for throwing pebbles at the sea birds.
He was accused of having left no tern unstoned.
If I wanted to have a dry January, I would just look at a photo of my ex every morning.
Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?
– Then use a paw of oregano and a tooth of salt
-Are you kidding me? How much is a ”paw”?
-You say ”a pinch ” all the time and nobody asks. Figure it out. You’re the 5 star chef, n’est pas?
Hell hath no fury like a toddler wants to “do it herself.”
Three hours later, I’m still waiting for her to get out of the car.
I love when people ask if pets are adopted, like no, I was in labour for 28 hours and it was an all natural birth, thanks for asking Linda
Today is the 30 yr anniversary when I was single and my hot boss called me into his office so I spritzed on some perfume then went and he looked deep into my eyes
and asked if I was available Valentine’s Day and I said YES and he said, “Cool I need you to work that day.”
My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day
Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks
[graduation]
…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*
[crowd cries]
*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”
I drink Boba and Capri Suns because I like to stab things before I enjoy them.
True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.