I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.
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Dr: I’m giving u a proton-pump inhibitor
Me: LIKE A GHOSTBUSTER?
D: No for acid reflu *sees tears welling in my eyes* yes for busting ghosts
nothing makes me feel appreciated at work more than management sweetly saying “have you been helped?” because they have no idea i work here
Dentist: Don’t eat or drink for…
Me: *already eating a snack before she finishes her sentence*
Baby monitors are pointless because most babies simply stop doing illegal shit as soon as they realize you’ve got their room bugged.
Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face
T-rex: hell yeah
Mom: If your friends all jumped off a bridge, would you…
Me: Be the one holding all their phones? Yeah, probably.
I could win awards for having a bad memory.
In fact, I probably did. How would I know.
Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.
Happy birthday to all the women
“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named
As an incredibly powerful, mostly evil, very attractive supernatural being, I have one weakness:
A female protagonist who has just turned sixteen and thinks there’s nothing special about her at all.
Coaching softball is wild because you get to call timeouts to teach valuable life lessons or sometimes just because your pitcher lost her tooth and she needs you to hold it for the Tooth Fairy.
When can we start naming hurricanes after food items?
…and in recent news hurricane chicken and dumplings is forming near Bermuda
“And this is my creepy husband, John.”
(The way my friend should introduce her husband)
Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.
911: Your emergency?
-Karen asked me a question.
911: Not an emergency.
-She asked if I could be more pacific.
911: Cars are on their way.
My 4yo just realized he could raise both his eyebrows at the same time
He now does it every time he makes eye contact with me and it looks like we are in cahoots orchestrating the most diabolical plan ever
A little about me: I’m a beekeeper. I see a bee, I keep it. I don’t care whose bee it is. Should have been watching it better.
Day 3 in quarantine. My mom made me check my 11 year old brother’s search history. He has searched “how tall is goofy” and “why do Mormons have so many trampolines.” For his sake, I almost wish I found something bad
Since you’re not a dentist and you’re entering my mouth with a pair of pliers, repeat after me: “I swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.”.
[grocery store]
me: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
little old lady: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
[kill bill sirens]
[medusa’s husband sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain]
If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!
I never realized my dog has the same last name as me until I took him to the vet.
“Can I get you to-”
YES!
“Great! Here it-”
I’LL DO IT!
“Don’t you want to-”
MAKE THE CHECK OUT TO…– Adam Sandler being handed a script
Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight
Narrator: He did not play his cards right
*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*
fava beans
a nice chianti
dave
My work here is done
Now that people have become accustomed to not knowing whether a person is having a phone conversation or just talking to themselves as they walk down the street I find myself doing a lot more public ranting.