[Concert]
Triangle player: *proudly playing his triangle
[Octagon player struts on stage]
Triangle player: “What the-“
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Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.
My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot….. I then went inside and spent $447. Brillianty played, IKEA.
The gardener at my work put beer in the garden to catch slugs
SO GUESS WHO JUST BECAME A SLUG
Don’t worry if she spells out “I’m fine!” in lighter fluid on your front lawn, but if she lights it… she is definitely lying.
Just installed the iOS 9 update and I’ve already noticed a significant increase in my phone’s battery life! This is aweso
I’m looking for a home with huge yard, tall privacy fence and a couple of sheds preferably one with a freezer that can hold two or three.
–me on house hunters
(I am 6 months pregnant)
Me after ordering my coffee:
Stranger at Starbucks: you know you should be drinking decaf when you’re pregnant.
Me: I’m… not pregnant.
Stranger: (horrified) I am so, so sorry!
And that’s what you get for giving unsolicited advice.
if you are what you eat, my dog is my favourite pair of shoes
I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.
My auto reply to texts:
I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .
Just overheard a woman on her phone here at the airport say “I’m literally here at the airport” and it was kind of thrilling to hear the term used correctly.
6yo: Your hair looks pretty every day.
Me: Well, thanks.
6yo: Can I have some chips?
*Guy tries giving me his phone number*
Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one
Who is feeling this?
#HorrorFam #LordOfTheRings
“these Kate Middleton pics will silence internet critics” I don’t think u understand how badly you’ve fucked this. there are now people on the internet who could SHAKE HER HAND and still claim she’s four cats in a wig
The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it’s okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.
Dr: do you know why you gained weight?
*Flashbacks to eating fries in the car sobbing and blasting Adele*
Me: no, better run some tests
There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to
Son: Dad, how do you satisfy a lady?
Dad: First you rub her all over
Son: Makes sense
Dad: Then you wait 24 hours
Son: huh?
Dad: I make my own sauce
Son: this is just your bbq technique
Dad: Slow and low, that’s the secret
My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can’t get out of the bathtub.
I don’t think this app is working properly, I’m like barely getting any matches.
Wrote in my Gratitude Journal, like I do every day, that I’m particularly thankful for my Spite Journal, which now comprises several handsome volumes.
Catering service
Dear parents,
Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.
son is fuming bc his sister is staying home from school AGAIN. he just opened her door and said “and here’s the liar in her natural habitat”
[son comes running into our room]
“Dad, there’s a monster in my room!”
Look, Marky, what-
“Mikey.”
Right, Mikey. What makes u think I care?
Lost in the desert, you scan the horizon with your device. To the east, you see the leaning tower of Pisa. To the west, you see the familiar pillars of Stonehenge. That’s when you realize you should have brought binoculars instead of a Viewmaster.
Going to church you guys need anything
boss: why did you cross out “world” on my “world’s best boss” mug
me: have you met every boss in the world
boss: no bu—
me: just seems like a lofty claim
boss: {gesturing at my “universe’s awesomest employee” shirt}
me:
boss:
me: this one’s true tho