“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
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“omg you’re filtered.. If you ever go missing no one will recognize you to find you”
Ummmm I’m not seeing the down side here
I failed at chemistry in high school…
And finally started dating in college.
If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.
Things I have in common with an avocado:
-If I’m just on my own I’m pretty bland
-I swing drastically and unpredictably from too hard to too soft
-I’m pleasant for only a very brief window of time
-I’m often found with chips
I’m aging like a fine banana
THERAPIST: What do you wish for?
WIFE: That we become closer again & [smiles at me] focus on the important things
ME: For the dog to talk
too old for tik tok, too young for facebook, too weird for linkedin, not weird enough for reddit, too ugly for instagram…where will i go now
Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…
…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.
ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle
“I have a hard time with faces. One time I mistook a wolf for my dead grandmother LOL!”
– Little Red Riding Hood, talking to a coat rack.
If hockey comes back this season we should be allowed to appoint one single fan to watch the games who’s only job is to shout “shoot!” on the power-play and occasionally bang on the glass.
There weren’t any open tables at this sports bar so I yelled “Chad, you left your Jeep lights on!” and now I can sit wherever I want.
Therapist: So why are you guys here?
Me: I feel like we are having communication problems.
Him: This is our first date?
Me: can I start calling him 3.5 yet?
Wife: do you even know his name anymore?
Me: yes wife of course I know his name.
A lady once dmed and asked if we had internet in Brazil. I think about it a lot
Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days
My wife and I are 3 weeks in on researching and discussing air fryers and if it is worth losing the counter space. Middle age Christmases are wild.
Snakes full of cheese instead of poison would certainly improve the atmosphere at this church.
Unfortunately, Yoda’s proposal came across as more of a statement, possibly even a threat. And so, he lived out his life alone, forever pining for “which got away, the one.”
My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”
Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today
The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.
them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.
I admire women with the restraint to draw on their eyebrows. I wouldn’t be able to stop until I’d added glasses and a moustache.
“and this blood shall be called A+”
all the other blood types: “k wow we’re like right here”
Sometimes I have hope for future generations, but then I watch a high school student pick a booger on a Zoom call.
“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
I’m proud of my age even if my birth certificate was carved in stone.