My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.
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Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
There’s no “I” in meat, but there’s “me” and “eat”, and I don’t know how vegans can argue with that logic.
Old joke:
Guy checks in at the airport and says: “I want this bag to go to Cleveland, this bag to go to Miami, and this bag to go to Las Vegas.”
Employee: “We can’t do that sir.”
Customer: “You did it last year.”
Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.
ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube
Waiter you misunderstand me. I didn’t say “I need a Mountain Dew: Code Red.” I was letting you know how badly I need a regular Mountain Dew.
Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?
me: let’s change your diaper
2: oh, no. I couldn’t possibly. I’m late setting up my pacifier scavenger hunt. I must dash!
I put my phone in airplane mode and started constantly banging my knees on stuff.
20s: I’m on top of the world!
50s: stop the world I want to get off!
Coworker: I didn’t know you dip.
Me: *Puting a pinch of shredded cheese in my lip like chewing tabacco* Ugh, no. What a disgusting habit.
them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”
My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.
Spiders have the whole world to explore but still try to come up in my house
dr: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
dr: so how often is that?
me: *turning to 12* when were you born?
“Well, this is no good. How do I turn it off?” – The first primate to experience consciousness
What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.
DAD: I invented a diaper that’s also a time machine!
MOM: Where do the poops go
DAD: dunno!
[CUT TO: A BUNKER IN GERMANY, 1942]
HITLER: omfg
Siri: Retweet me.
Guys, stop comparing Trump to Hitler. He thinks it’s a compliment. Call him a middle-aged woman or a peaceful Muslim.
Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.
me: *pays a stranger from the computerwebs to come drive me somewhere*
my mom: WHAT THE HELL!
[first day of astronomy class]
So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,
or do we draw straws?
I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.
Be kind to everyone you meet for you never know who got woken up at 3:20am by a kid who was “just not tired”.
Human are so complicated