Licorice: for when you feel like edible Tupperware
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I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…
Unless, of course, I want to buy something.
Asked a Target employee if I could open this camera before I buy it and he said he wouldn’t even care if I killed someone in front of him.
[inventing the toaster]
engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4
chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8
The Bachelor would be a much better show if there was one woman who was a secret saboteur actively trying to wreck The Bachelor’s life.
Me: hope ur soccer team wins the great fork
American: What
Me: the good plate
American: the super bowl
Me: i knew it was a kitchen something
Mom asked me if I would pick up some things for her at the ‘Dime Store’, great, now I’ve got to go all the way to the 70s.
I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.
I adopt cats because I can’t have any of my own.
*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*
Me: Whatcha doing on the PC?
Daughter: Looking at peckers.
M: WHAT?!?
D: Science project on chickens.
M: Oh.
D: You walked RIGHT into that.
Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?
When you have kids, finding a marker lid in your house is like finding a pin without the grenade attached.
They built a huge, ugly thought-control tower right next to my house but actually I love it so much
I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.
I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh here comes the tickle monster
“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant
[at a wake]
Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this
Widow: wow
i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls
Make your salad taste better by putting it between bread, meat, cheese, and Big Mac sauce.
It’s a real dilemma for me when I’m confronted with a moral issue that wasn’t examined by the writers of the original Star Trek.
Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.
I should be able to publicly wear a CLOAK without being questioned. Am I a medieval archer? Will I recite poetry by a babbling brook? Can I restore my own HP and the HP of all nearby party members? Only God can judge me, dipshits
The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.
Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.
[ brings ouija board to your grave ]
“Okay, now will you tell me why her number was in your phone?”
Your honor, is it really “stealing a zoo animal” if the animal walked out on its own after I opened its cage and lured it into the parking lot with biscuits?
*refills beautiful woman’s wine glass* haha I feel like I’ve been talking about corn dogs–and my love of corn dogs–all night
HR says that we are no longer able to say to anyone “if ignorance is bliss you must be such a happy person” even if we smile as we say it.
This is gonna be the worst sex tape ever. RT @KimKardashian: What you gonna do when you have Hulk Hogan in the house!!?!!