Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.
You Might Also Like
When ur friends with white people
MOST TIMES: i know all of the lyrics to this song and could sing it in my sleep
DURING KARAOKE: i don’t remember a single word, may have even forgotten about the very concept of music
Nice flex Egyptians, pyramids AND bedsheets.
You’ll sleep when you’re dead?…that’s adorable. Well, I’ll lose weight when I’m dead, so pass the doughnuts.
Gwyneth Paltrow should invent a candle that smells like a brand new can of Play-Doh
I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I’m hesitant to start the car.
Can’t we all just binge watch season 2022 and get it over with?
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.
Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care most about
batman [through gritted teeth]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
Just sneezed, accidentally blew a snot bubble, dropped my phone, then tripped on the dog. Whoever has my voodoo doll is hilarious
Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?
hitman: who am I killing?
dog: ever hear of a guy named pavlov?
hitman: rings a bell
dog: that’s right
do I regret it, Carol? Hell, I don’t even remember gretting it the first time!
Sitting next to a priest on my flight. I sneeze. I’m waiting for him to say “Bless you.” Nothing. I guess it’s his day off?
It isn’t a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door.
I’m fine by the way.
My Ex Sarah ghosted me. Some experts call this phenomenon, Sarah-normal activity
More than once I’ve clicked on an ad for clothing that turned out to be for a toddler.
Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!
[Ghost flies in while I’m changing my top]
GHOST: Booooooo-OH sorry
ME: It’s fine, go on
GHOST: [shielding eyes] No I’ll come back later
Hurt my hand so now I tweet exclusively with one of those text to speech things comma I think it’s going well full stop send tweet no don’t type that send tweet I said send tweet are you shouting at your phone nobody asked you rebecca wait no don’t send that
If one more person stands up and talks about their alcoholism I’m quitting this book club.
when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair
I offer kid $1 to do a chore. He sticks dollar in pocket. I get dollar back on laundry day.
Lather. Rinse. Repeat!
“omg you’re filtered.. If you ever go missing no one will recognize you to find you”
Ummmm I’m not seeing the down side here
Thinking about this 37 year old baby from a flight safety brochure
Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween”
Me: “It’s Halloween?”