How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”
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you (uneducated, wastes time): *pours half & half into your coffee*
me (math genius, time efficient): *pours 1 into my coffee*
Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.
I’m thankful my wife harvested over $100,000 in potatoes on Farmville while I ate a grilled cheese for dinner & am sleeping on dirty laundry
me: let’s circle back around and touch base
baseball coach: yeah that’s the gist of it
It’s not “spicy, tender and mild.” I know this now
Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.
[Planning a heist]
ME: Did you scope the place out?
PARTNER: Yes, they have two armed guards
ME: So we’re evenly matched in terms of limbs
I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?
me: where can I find shovels and toilet paper?
clerk: going camping?
me: no
me and my buddies are playing “soup fight”. that’s where we each embody a different vegetable and get in a nice hot tub together. and then we fight
You’re not allowed to donate blood if you’ve listened to Kid Rock in the last 6 months.
A level of petty I can get with 🤣
What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?
You have a polkageist.
Do you want to taunt a snowman?
Son: Daddy are we poor?
Me: *scraping his macaroni art into stove pan* Did your mother tell you that?
Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom
Me: You’re telling me someone broke into the house and the only thing that was stolen was the ice cream?
Husband: (without breaking eye contact) Yes.
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
When people ask, “Don’t I know you from somewhere?”, I reply “Yes, we were best friends as children until you murdered my puppy.”
Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.
My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.
He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.
People I hate when I’m driving:
1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.
[trying to impress a girl]
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *flies off treadmill*
It’s cute how my psychiatrist pretends I’m not an international sex symbol who moonlights as a super assassin.
Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…
Me: what a great place to bury a body!
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill
Watching Finding Dory & her parents call her “cupcake.” How do they know what that is?
This movie doesn’t seem very realistic, you guys.
My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just stole it.