No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.
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My 7 year old has been asking a lot of questions this Christmas season and I’m worried that it might be the last year he believes that Bitcoin is real.
I had a professor who threw a big hissy fit about how he needs “detailed proof” of why you’re going to be absent only for him to get mad when I sent him pictures of some pads and Midol I bought and the receipt? Play stupid games win stupid prizes dude
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of ‘hey you’ every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.
Sometimes I don’t delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.
An old natural remedy to soothe a broken heart is rubbing a jellyfish on it.
*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost
People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”
Buzzfeed writer wanted. Must love current events, pop culture and have a Bachelor’s degree and a history of head injuries.
WIFE: Where’s the dog?
*flashback to me giving him the keys to the car to get more beer*
ME: I let him outside.
Show her you’re into her by running your toes through her hair
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me?
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
[bar]
HER: wanna get outta here? *winks*
ME: hell ya
HER: whatya thinkin?
ME: lets go to my place and arm wrestle
HER: what?
ME: u scared?
c’mon!
i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there
[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
WOMB SERVICE
HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family
People who say all you need is love probably already stocked up on Doritos
A worm is a pretty shitty prize for getting up early if you ask me.
Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.
Superhero Movies Love to Have Villains Who Are Totally Right… Until They’re Randomly Super Wrong
Body: we’re going to bed
Brain: that doesn’t mean we’re going to sleep
Him: You need to ease up on always picking out the things I do wrong
Me: You make it sound like I do it all the time!
Him: Even when I’m doing good, you have to find a mista…
Me: “Well”…when you’re doing “well”
Him:
Me: Go on…
me: *sleeping*
pimple: is it my night to emerge?
anxiety: I dunno, why don’t we both come out tonight?
whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro
A new dating show where couples have 30 minutes to meet, date, get engaged, get married, buy a house, raise 3 kids, retire, travel and die old together.
I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.
You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened
I went for a run but came back after 4 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot I’m out of shape and can’t run for more than 4 minutes!