*jesus turns water to wine*
me: you can’t just insert goods into an economy you’ll cause deflation
Jesus: my child-
me: NO! it’s bullshit!
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I said I wanted my bamboo “grilled”…not toasted. GRILLED! Why is this so difficult to understand? I want to see your manager.
Waiting for the local donut park to open 🙂
5-year-old: Why is there a baseball bat under your bed?
Me: In case there’s a burglar.
5:
Me:
5: Why do burglars like to play baseball?
This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind:
They got Raph!
This hospital has everything
For fun I like to text all the men in my phone, “she has your eyes, can’t wait for you to meet her” and then I sit back and wait.
john wicks are toilet candles
interviewer: describe yourself in one word
me: great listener
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.
Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.
My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.
i be like “i’m fine” then shake my leg 200mph
‘Ugh you never let me get ANYTHING!’
-my 5 year old holding a balloon, cotton candy, and two packs of sparklers.
Splinter: Leo.
Mikey: I’m Michelangelo. That’s Leo.
Donny: I’m Donatello. That’s Leo.
Leo: I thought I was Raphael.– Why they wear masks
A game married people play.
Dear microwave companies,
Why make us select “cook” at all? Does my appliance have a calculator function or something?
Sincerely,
Everyone
This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.
I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.
Groom: Dude, the invitation was for Gandalf the Grey.
Gandalf: Oh, it’s Gandalf the White now.
Bride: [fuming]
Gandalf: [looks fabulous]
Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.
Me: I think we should take the next step. I want you to meet my parents
Her: now that we’ve been married for eleven years?
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
Nowadays you can post your opinions instantly. Used to be, if you got riled up by a troubadour’s ballad you had to weave a whole tapestry about it
Obama: Joe, look. Full moon
Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting*
Obama: Joe?
Biden: AARRGHHH
*Gore kicks door down*
Gore: MANBEARPIG
People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.
I made the cats a very scary jack o’lantern with a vacuum cleaner on it.
*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?
Ribbed condoms don’t even taste like ribs
My dad always used to say ‘if you take care of the small things, the big things take care of themselves’. This cost him his job at the zoo.