pirahna: my tooth is killing me
dentist:
pirahna: way in the back
dentist: how are u even out of water
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My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. They should utilize the cover provided by the transparent walls and return fire with lasers.
Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.
Few things create body issues like a hotel pool towel
I’ll be the one at the office Christmas party, waiting patiently near the exit, so I can be the second person to leave.
Is the economy struggling? Have you tried telling it to work harder and cut back on luxuries?
Nervously, I close the bag. “No way,” I tell myself. “It’s not like she’s gonna count the fries.” I start to sweat.
I just made way too much pasta, so if you haven’t eaten dinner yet, swing by and watch me eat way too much pasta.
I’ve had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.
Will I understand Dune if I haven’t seen Darch, Dpril and Day?
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
“Evolution-schmevolution!”
-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy
Oh look the neighbors have a Halloween inflatable
-releases the cats
I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.
ME: i’m gonna join the army
HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus
Sunday night: Super Bowl party!
Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!
Superman could have become a doctor, using his x-ray vision to detect life threatening tumors. But no, we really needed another journalist.
Some of you reached your wit’s end almost immediately.
Most people: I guess balloons are ok
Me:
Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.
My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
Note for people married to fanatical hikers: when they say “let’s get out and walk a little,” your idea of a little might be to that ice cream stand over there and theirs might be 5 miles.
My wife just put down a magazine & said “I have to stop reading this article because the author said she named her son Gideon.” ❤❤❤
Moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items.
11-year-old: I can’t find my other shirt. I left it right here on the floor.
Me: Did you check the hamper?
11: Why would it be there?
Why indeed.
Accidentally closed a browser with 20+ tabs opened . . . this must be what the scholars of Alexandria felt when their great library burned.
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What a lot of people don’t understand about mountain climbing is that don’t do that.
I’d totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?