this is the greatest thing ever
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I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women’s Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.
How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.
I told him I’d send him nudes everyday he was sick, but we are on day 17 now… how long does the flu normally last?
Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.
I don’t like to be too vulnerable on here but I just have to admit I do get upset when people who hate me send me money, the notifications of like “cry some more into this $10, loser” honestly just wreck me. It’s the most effective way to hurt me, can’t believe I’m admitting that
Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.
setting a small grass fire next to my inflatable pool and then asking the firefighters to fill it up while they’re here
The afternoons I spent on my hair.
Franz Kafka, 1912.
My parents wouldn’t buy insect repellent, yet they bought enough Calamine lotion to cover the mosquito bites of an entire neighborhood of children. I didn’t ask why. I just walked around with pink spots for 14 years of my life.
How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.
I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.
[Phone Call]
Me: My hair has never been this long before
Her: How does it look?
Me: Picture Jim Halpert in Season 1 of The Office…
Her: Oh well that’s actually kinda cu…
Me: …with a big bald spot on top.
I wish someone would leave a horse’s head in my bed so that when my kids sneak up on me in the morning, I can be like, BAM, horse’s head.
The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.
barista: room for cream?
me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator
The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda.
Me: I published a cookbook of casserole recipes called “Top It With Crushed Potato Chips!”
God: Ahhh ok yeah. That makes sense then. Welcome!
How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?
I keep pepper spray in my purse just in case any peppers try to attack me.
AC just changed cole slaw to coke slaw so I’ll be busy looking for new recipes
or a new dealer. depends on the recipe I guess
What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.
Guy walking in on me in the bathroom
Me: Excuse me. I’m on the phone.
Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.
“I DON’T WEAR PANTS ON THE WEEKEND!” – I shout out to everyone at the grocery store as the officer bundles me into the back of the police car.
“My uncle died from mineral exposure.”
“Barium?”
“No. We had him cremated.”
Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.
A North Carolina school has removed its bathroom mirrors to stop kids from making TikToks. Ooh, you were so close, they actually do them with their phones.
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: yes why
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
i love reading online product reviews because there will be 8,000 that say “this blender is amazing, highly recommended” and one that will be like “garbage, do not buy, i tried to blend concrete and a crowbar and the thing broke immediately”