With age comes wisdom. And digestive trouble.
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A great part of video game culture is how you can purchase a night at an inn, and you wake up with full health.
I’ve been to many hotels before, this does not actually happen.
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
Just because I reported several women to HR for not washing their hands after using the rest room doesn’t mean the camera they found is mine
Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”
if you give a mouse a cookie, he’s going to ask you for a glass of milk.
don’t give it to him.
give him another cookie.
now he’s super thirsty.
he’ll do anything for that milk.
anything.
Someone gave my boyfriend a book about men getting the upper hand in relationships and I told him to let me read it since he knows how much I love fiction
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused treadmill from 1981.
Since finding a huge spider in my slipper I now keep em on a chair cuz my little brain decided spiders don’t like chairs.
*captain over the PA*:
and if you look out your window to the left, you’ll see Jerry, who is no longer my best friend, and deserves this.
Son: Dad, you work so hard and never get any credit. You’re like a superhero!
Dad: Nice try. You’re still not getting the Internet password.
I totally get your eyebrows.
My bank account is overdrawn, too.
I enjoy a good short stor
Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.
“Come to me flesh of my flesh”.
*embarrassing teenagers is easy.
Cop: “There’s an outstanding warrant out for your arrest.”
Me: *blushes* “I knew it was good but ‘outstanding’? Thank you, officer!”
If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.
hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book
Sorry for laughing and pointing when you fell. I just thought clapping would be rude.
Staring out into the horizon..
Me: this is so peaceful, tranquil & romantic
[Bf holding up a stuffed lion]
Bf:Ah zabenya za dabib du da
I think the next Fast and Furious should take place in a world with adequate public transportation. Then they wouldn’t need to worry about going so fast since they would just get everywhere on time.
My dog probably thinks her name is Jesus Christ
DAD i can’t stay with your wife in same home.. she’s hiding all my snacks.
No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory
*looks hard af*
*pukes polaroid*
Walking dead spoiler alert. There are zombies and they like to try & eat people but the people are like “nuh uh zombie, we don’t want that”
The pic on Nextdoor of a swarm of bees on someone’s fence is wicked cool until you recognize the fence.
On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.
I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?
Sorry I was gone for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch to just one video.
whenever god closes a door he opens a window because he’s taking a pretty nasty shit in there.
I’ve decided I’m not going to let my teen’s attitude get to me today, and so far I’m doing really well with it.
She’s not awake yet.