No, autocorrect, switching “generics” to “gerbils” in the message I sent to my doctor without proofreading first was actually extremely helpful, thank you for that.
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[speed dating]
DATE: ding
ME: did u just make the ding sound with ur mouth
DATE: no
ME: we have 4 minutes left
DATE: *louder this time* ding
I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..
The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.
Say what you want about Korn, but they really cornered the incorrectly spelled vegetable band name market.
The best way to prepare for Motherhood is to put Dora on TV for 9 months, set your alarm for every 45 minutes and throw food on your floors.
Pilot: “What does this button do?”
*intercom turns on*
Pilot: “Doesn’t do anything. Not sure what any of these buttons do.”
Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist
I saw a guy that had a knife on his belt tonight and I thought, “now there’s a guy that’s really prepared to slice some cake”
doctor: you’re completely blind
me: what are you saying
doctor: april fools lol you’re actually deaf
me: what
doctor: oh right
Me: Why is Amazon showing me this?
Amazon: It’s 15% off.
Me: Well, in that case…
[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury
#StillHurts
I like a woman that makes me feel alive, but also lets me know that it might not be for long.
Boss: Good suggestions at the staff meeting today, Bill.
Me: I talk in my sleep?
[sees a meathead at the gym flipping a giant tire end over end]
ME: Put it on its side and it’ll roll, idiot
“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday
Why is the gynecologist tool called a speculum and not a “snatchula”?
I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.
When someone patiently listens to you for an hour without judgment…
$85
When your best friend listens to you for 10 minutes and tells you you’re being an idiot…
Priceless.
My GF found lipstick in my pocket, I admitted I’m cheating… I don’t want her to know I’m selling AVON.. I want to eat my money in peace
Everybody want to be a gangsta till it’s time to go to jail.
[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, I’m not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”
[on my deathbed]
me: make sure the kids remember their dear ol’ dad
wife: dave isn’t old
me: what
Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer
Last year I ate out alone on Valentine’s Day. To avoid embarrassment, I yacked the whole time with a lovely couple the next table over.
Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?
Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.
Making crop circles IS a full time job, Troy. No one gets funding to study aliens if there are no aliens to study. Duh.
Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.