As I sit in this coffee shop practicing for my Sign Language final it occurs to me, all of these people probably think that I’m talking to myself.
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Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon
Pizzas make terrible but delicious gym towels
Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.
Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.
alexa has taken my entire family hostage and won’t unlock any of our doors or turn on our lights until we buy a carton of tide detergent pods on amazon
Kid at the park just told me it’s her birthday today. I asked her how old she is and she said five and a half. Story absolutely crumbling
Lunchables™? huge waste of money! I have my kids mill their own wheat then hunt, kill & field strip a wild bologna
Them: I haven’t seen you in a long time.
Me: You’re welcome.
In time, the dust settled, and the dust took a job it hated and married someone it could barely tolerate
So, I got banned from the toy store today…
my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“You thought I’d like your pretty lights?”
“Recite the alphabet backwards”
“I can’t even do that sober”
If I were a gunslinger I’d bedazzle my holster. The other killers wouldn’t take me seriously, maybe think I’m just packing a glue gun. Big mistake.
Otters drive ottermobiles.
Whoa new Barbie movie cast is stacked
Sometimes I think my toddlers are smart
Other times they throw tantrums because they get their fingers stuck
In their other hand
I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.
Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates
A bold strategy
The local children surround me, trying to build a pyre. I’M NOT A WITCH, I shriek, my witch-like shrieking doing me no favours whatsoever
Doctor: A healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards.
Me: So… no more than 52 slices of roast beef?
Dr: I hate this job.
A Roomba that moans when it picks up trash.
SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU
*shakes buy one get one free coupon*
A tenable situation implies the existence of an elevenable situation
Christopher Columbus was lucky to have found America first. His nemesis Garmin Von Goögle Maps showed up minutes later after taking Route 2.
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
me *calls wife* Can you bring me some pants?
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
OK! EAT ME NOW
Oh! Too lateBananas
I hear all these Trump supporters saying they support him because he speaks his mind. Well you know who else speaks his mind? My 4 year old.
Awesome parenting 😂