[tsunami approaching]
guy: RUN
me: wait why is the T silent
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Friend: do you regret becoming a father?
Me: no way. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.
Friend: you want the rest of my fries?
Me: touché…*mouth full of fries* touché.
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person says: hi
I’ve found that women are never, impressed by what guys think will impress them. Also I just ran out of gas doing donuts in the parking lot
all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period
Cat: flake of pill in two pounds of fresh tuna? Refused.
Dog: pill the size of a grill wrapped in american cheese? No problem.
Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?
Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.
BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.
If you think you’re having a bad morning, my son is crying because his sock doesn’t feel right.
Today my 6yo said it was good it’s snowing, as that means the earth isn’t getting hotter, and tonight she starts as an anchor on Fox News.
Truthful Tuesday: The last time I had sex, I was so excited afterward I fired my musket skyward, alerting the Confederates to our presence.
[poking you repeatedly in the shoulder] I’ll keep this up until you acknowledge me. I’ve got nowhere else to be.
Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.
WE DON’T KNOW!
rent? again? no no you must be mistaken, i only just recently paid rent last month
At the donut store this morning I point to a photo on the wall and ask “is this a Mapplethorpe print?” The guy asks me how I can recognize art like that. I tell him “I’m an art nerd.” He says “well I’m a donut nerd so I have no idea.”
mariah carrie
someone told me LA is shitty heaven and NY is fun hell and it makes me chuckle every time I think about it
Me: Thanks for taking the time
Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself
“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend
Me: Cooks meals, does laundry, picks my kid’s toys that he has allegedly already put away
Me asks *my kid to do his home work*
My kid: why do I have to do everything around here?
I gave brutally honest script notes to a close friend and he really respected me for ending the friendship.
rival dad next door thinks he has the best lawn but joke’s on him because i just sold my house to a professional landscaper. CHECKMATE.
”Wear your good flip flops ” isn’t something I thought I would ever say, but here we are
Oddly enough, ever since downloading
AdBlock onto my computer …..all the local girls in my area
seem to have lost interest.
Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.
I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.
I’ve been a vegetarian for 13 years but if I ever got the chance I would absolutely 100% bite the head off the Geico gecko
[cop sniffing me] you’re all over the road get out of the vehicle
[me after putting on too much hand cream] I’ll try
[lying with girlfriend & looking up at the stars]
“Hey–”
*points to shooting star*
“You’ve put on a lot of weight.”
the family mocked me when I said I was building a rocket to fire the hamster into space, but I notice they all subscribed to the YouTube channel to watch the official launch