Beers ranked:
1-First beer after work
2-Post yard work beer
3-Shower beer
4-Vacation beer
5-All other beer
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Hot girls tweet things like “his words. my curves. pain. my soul. barbecue sauce” and get 27k likes WTF is this app
I don’t think a lot of people remember the psychological grip Nutella had on the American psyche in the early 2010s… It became its own governing body at one point
Easy enough.
*gingerly maneuvers the garbage can back into place between a stack of crown molding we’ll never use and your antique pesticide collection*
What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one
*Area 51*
Me: Hi
Female Alien: I have a boyfriend
Lonely nights, we’ve all been here. Pretending to choke so someone hugs you. Pretending a jellyfish stung you so someone pees on you. Usual.
Twitter is composed of all the kids who used to giggle in sex ed
Hot woman *points at my empty glass* hey, want another?
Me: Why would I want another empty glass?
[later]
Me *stops brushing teeth* hang on
horse prosecutor: did you do it?
horse defendant: neigh
horse prosecutor: here, have some water and think again
horse defense attorney: objection! leading the witness!
Had my mom call me to get out of a meeting, but now I’m stuck in a call with my mom
The best thing about having siblings is roping them into Schemes
Nothing freaks out people like unblinking eye contact in a public restroom.
Especially when you do it from underneath the stall divider.
Jesus take the wheel. No that’s a book. A penny. A rock. DAMMIT JESUS DIDN’T YOU TAKE THAT ENGLISH AS A SECOND LANGUAGE CLASS I RECOMMENDED
People think I’m good at keeping secrets but the truth is I’m just bad at paying attention to what you told me.
I get home and change from casual Friday duds into even more comfortable clothes. Now I just look like melted cheese.
Everyone thinks their kids are normal until you’re leaving instructions for a sitter and you’re like, “do not open the applesauce pouch all the way- open it halfway, hand it to him, and back away slowly. Also he has to sleep with 3 pacifiers and Lightning McQueen.”
who will die first, you or grey’s anatomy?
I was one of the crew members on the Lost series. Don’t worry, you’re not alone, nobody on the crew understood the ending either.
911, what’s your emergency?
Me (whispering): I’m holding a bagel in my right hand
Are you left handed?
No but I couldn’t use my right thumbprint to unlock my iPhone so I used the emergency button
Okay but why are you whispering?
I don’t want the killer to know I have a bagel
unilever exec: look truthfully we don’t care if u put the q-tip in ur ear just stop when u encounter resistance
me: [already pushing it out the other side]
Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.
[my first day at the spa]
*gently lays an entire cucumber on your eyelids*
When there were bear prints in the sand that was bear jesus chasing you
The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.
[2054: We develop cheap cloning technology]
[2055: Restaurant opens where you can have clones of yourself serve cooked clones of yourself]
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.
*stands on scale at doctor’s office*
*takes off coat*
*empties pockets*
*shaves eyebrows*