My 5yo, asserting his independence on the last day of school by coming downstairs dressed in fleece pants on a 90 degree day. I’m sweating just looking at him.
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My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.
When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.
there are only 2 generations:
-America’s Funniest Home Videos
-Tik Toks
We can’t afford a Trump presidency. The money spent alone on hundreds of new White House door knobs for his wee-baby hands would bankrupt us
Being a man is pretty cool because men get to have sex with women. Some men.. sometimes.
I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.
I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I’m in.
“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God
I let my 5 year old talk me into playing kickball-basketball, so now I’ve got to explain this bloody nose to my wife.
ME: I started being confused in school.
THERAPIST: Sexual confusion is norm-
ME: If America is the best country why do we use #2 pencils?
“have you heard about the Nu covid variant”
“no, what’s it called?”
“the Nu variant”
“yeah what’s it called”
“no, it’s literally spelled N U, Nu”
“haha wow, who named it that?”
“yes”
I needed this laugh 😂😂😂
[first guy to be sent to hell]
guy: so it’s just you and me?
satan: yup
guy: damn
satan: *kicks rock with cloven hoof* yup
guy: i really hope more shitty people die soon
satan: *sigh* yup
“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.
“Your mother and I are separating but it’s not your fault, we love the three of you very much.”
“There are four of us.”
“You heard me.”
Oh to be a whale and just have my food periodically float into my mouth
Me: *needles jabbing me thousands of times for a tattoo* So rad
Also Me: *one needle, one jab at the dentist* Our Father, who art in heaven
Just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 min., thought “damn so easily entertained” then realized I watched a dog chase his tail for 10 min.
self awareness is such a two edged sword omg?? like yay i know myself better!! but at what cost.
When I have a daughter I’m naming her Leroy. No guy will ever say “Yo bro I hooked up with Leroy last night” how would that sound?
I’m as disappointed as a cop in an 80s movie who just took a sip of coffee that he poured from the pot in the precinct break room.
You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok
*boss stops meeting*
Mike, is there something you’ld like to share with the whole group?
Me: Nooooo, that’s why I whispered it to Alan.
Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees
I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.
[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s
*sets down half eaten bag of potato chips on the elliptical*
Give a man a fish and he will think, “what a creepy gift.”
Teach a man to fish and he will think, “My god, I have never known such boredom.”
Trying to not lose my SHIT as someone in the office kitchen continues to call Thomas the Tank Engine “Thomas the Train”
If God sent a flood to wipe out humans for being perverts what kinda nasty shit were the dinos into?