Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
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Me: I can’t work today.
Boss: Why?
M: My grandma died.
B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago.
M: …
-Why working for your brother is a bad idea.
hear me out : pockets for your socks
The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.
As homeschooling draws to a close for the summer I realise my 8yo may not have learned how to do fractions but he also learned very little about anything else
Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?
age 14: guys, watch this i’m gonna jump off this wall [eats absolute shit and gets up like its nothing]
age 25: [googling ‘is the way i’m wearing my guitar strap hurting my back’]
Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100’s of strangers’ mouths
In Spain, it’s considered bad luck to die in a car accident
My husband giving me instructions as he prepares to leave town: “Don’t put the dogs in their crates today. Let them sleep on the couch.”
Me: “Why?”
Him: “That’s how they know it’s the weekend.”
“My hair is noisy”
“My toe nails are itchy”
“someone peed in my pants”– A list of my 4 year-old’s 3 a.m. Grievances.
Never feel more attractive than when my picture of cornbread gets almost as many likes as my selfie. “She’s ok, but she’s no cornbread.”
Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.
The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they’re so short.
Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?
Me: She will usually tell you.
There’s no way that Cinderella was treated like shit her entire life, then a prince tells her he loves her & she wasn’t like “yeah right.”
Son: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [frantically swatting away bees because my bald spot makes me look like a flower from behind]: yes it’s great
Role playing didnt go so well last night. She was the hot sexy teacher and I the rebel student..so I ditched class. Cause schools for nerds.
There’s a washer, a dryer but not a folder.
Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.
I texted my husband “I want pizza but I need to go to the gym” in the hopes that he would try and steer me back on the right path and motivate me to go to the gym. But instead he replied “Same, let’s get pizza” and so yes it is true that marriage makes you fat
Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.
I asked a millennial why she spent so much money on her wedding. She said you only get married once, then I laughed and laughed.
COWORKER: Wanna come to my NYE party?!
ME: Aww… I would, but I already have plans.
MORGAN FREEMAN: He did not have plans.
Bananas evolved to become a deadly slipping hazard for their greatest predator, the human
Her: You secretly think all of your coworkers are morons, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
Control this is astronaut Douglas sending transmission from the Milky Way..we have no signs of chocolate..or caramel..I’d like to come home
I plan on being Batman for Halloween.
And now that I’ve told you all this, I realize I’m actually one shitty Batman.
Him: SHE SAID YES!!
Me, handing him fries: you really don’t need to scream that for every customer who supersizes their order, Jeffrey.
Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.