DAD: wat am i chopped liver
CHOPPED LIVER: [in this joke imagine choped liver is a sentiemt being] wat the hell is that suposed to mean phil
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I call my horse mayo
bc mayo neighs
Did you know Lysol kills 99.9% of germs & my toothpaste has tartar control? You would too if you sat in my bathroom without your phone.
I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.
What smells better than it tastes?
A nose.
*seductively eats two tums*
babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped
McDonald’s employee: for here or to go?
Guy who was born inside McDonald’s and has never seen the outside world: what?
When a Star Trek baddie suffers cardiac arrest, and you have defibrillator paddles right there, what do you do? Shock a Khan. Shock a Khan.
Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*
Toddler: *crashes the stock market*
[god creating seahorses]
angel: any more ideas for animals?
god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim
Stop bringing shitty Bluetooth speakers on hikes. No one came to the woods to hear you listen to Katy Perry
So apparently if someone invites you to dinner at their home, it’s impolite to create a negative Yelp review about it the next day.
“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”
– reverse psychology
Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!
HUMPTY DUMPTY: Quick, put me back together!
TOTO: There’s nothing that 100 men or more could ever do.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: …maybe call the horses?
I’m 32 never been married, no kids. Most people my age are married with kids. The older I get it is likely the man I marry will be a divorced dad. Satistically 80% of 2nd marriages with kids end in divorce. So what I’m saying is if you are looking for a 2nd ex wife hit me up.
Doctors penmanship is so poor because they’re actually making fun of you to the pharmacist
My 3 year old asked how long he had to wait until he could stop listening to me. I told him he had to listen to me for the rest of his life. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, “I’ll listen to you for the rest of YOUR life.” Toddlers are cold-blooded, man.
The opposite of itty bitty is bigly wiggly
Salad is the decaf of food.
A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and that’s what I get for not ordering pizza
my mom: we found this under your bed and we are very disappointed *pulls out copy of “drugs for dummies”*
my dad: lol nerd
I tell my toddler to “ask nicely” and instead of saying please he whispers his demands and I’m not even sure that he’s wrong
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
How it started How it’s going
remember
only for emergencies
Pro tip: when your neighbors make you mad, send your 8 y/o son over to describe in complete detail what all 379 of his Hot Wheels look like
Damn boy! What’s your zodiac sign? Bc I think we should make that Sagittariuu into SagittariUS
Oh you’re a Leo? Le OH ..where are you going?
I like to shout, “ohh it burns!” while using a public restroom.
[first date]
HER: So, I hear you’re a dog person-
ME: [tucking my tail between my legs] WHO TOLD YOU