my mom making me talk to relatives
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me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
Therapist: Have you ever had a job?
Me: I once worked at a zoo
Therapist: Great! And what did you take from that?
Me: Definitely not a penguin
Therapist: what
Me: what
It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
aruba, jamaica / oooh, i wanna take ya
atlanta, las vegas/ uhhh that’s lots of places
vienna, then florence/ baaabe i can’t afford this
“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”
~Management
I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
Viagra shipment stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals
I have eaten 10 relaxation candles and I don’t feel relaxed???
My neighbor is sitting in his driveway, wearing tank top and shorts, drinking a beer, smoking a cigar, and blasting Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On.”
I know we are supposed to check on our neighbors but I think he’s good.
i have never seen a chameleon in real life and i dont know if that means i havent or i have
[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?
“Hello from the outsiiiiide. I must have called a thousand tiiiiimes”
– me, drunk, leaving my wife another voicemail because I’m locked out
If your kids are getting on your nerves you can take them sledding and watch them face plant into the snow for a sense of justice.
An FBI profiler once told me there are very few psychopaths out there.
I booped his nose and said, “I beg to differ.”
I now ask my Dad things like he used to ask me when I was a teenager.
Where are you going? Who are you going with? What time will you be back? Do I know any of these people? Do you have a coat?
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.
Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.
Thanks for saying ‘on your mobile’ in your bio, for a moment I thought you might be tweeting like me, from a calculator in the psych ward
My girlfriend told me to put the quart container of turkey gravy in the fridge door. I told her “nobody puts gravy in a corner.”
Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?
Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.
Me: No!
Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.
In a restaurant if there’s a crying kid the parents don’t take outside, they got 10 minutes before I bread it, dip it, then eat it.
#titanic
[after dinner]
Mugger: gimme your wallet.
Me: can I keep my drivers license?
Mugger: fine.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: I can’t be seen with that.
Me: oh.
Mugger: gimme your shoes instead.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: you know what forget it.
When people ask me for something at work I say, “Sure! Let me see here..” and rummage around in my desk drawer until they leave
Women! You will no doubt have been gifted, over the years, approximately 15,000 gift soaps as panic-buy last-minute presents over the years.
Guilt will have compelled you to keep them all, rendering one drawer an overwhelming grotto of bergamot and lavender. Now is your moment.
HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss
Me: “ok”