Me at a wine tasting:
*swirls glass*
*sniffs*
*sips slowly*
*stares off into the distance*
…Ah, yes. This is in fact wine.
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Stooooppp!!! 😂😂
1: How old is James Earl Jones?
2: She’s 30
1: OMG WHAT?
You know you’ve got a drinking problem when you’re looking at the unleaded nozzle being labeled as 15% ethanol and you’re like “same, brother”
You’re right, teenagers: We don’t know what you’re going through. The rest of us skipped straight from 12 to 20. Best decision we ever made.
If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.
somebody come look at this
I will never own a smart watch. I have enough things telling me what to do.
A tragic kissout between police and suspects leaves over 15 innocent bystanders believing in love again
Balloons take up a certain amount of space in the package, but if you want to know how big they’ll be when in use you have to adjust for inflation.
*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL
One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”
Don’t flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.
By the logic that declares Die Hard a holiday film, I think we should classify Titanic as a Hallmark Christmas movie.
-female lead ditches rich jerky fiancé for humble poor boy
-lots of lights
-iconic pop culture theme music
-lots of ice
-female lead’s hair is very improbable
I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.
Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”
how much would it cost?
“the guy who does our estimates isn’t here right now”
around what time will he be back?
“did you not just hear me?”
i should be the upstairs neighbor. i should be the one spilling marbles. it should be me up there
every nextdoor post is like “i saw a car drive by my house without asking my permission first. do i call the fbi or the national guard?”
I will never understand the people who wait in a long line, finally arrive at the register and then act like they’ve been caught off guard by the requirement that they produce some form of currency for their purchase.
who will die first, you or grey’s anatomy?
Taken 5: has anyone seen my doggie?
There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.
Fight club but it’s really just me trying to grab air before I fall on the ice.
God, grant me the serenity to yell at immigrant children, the courage to still say I’m a Christian, and the ignorance to not get the irony.
*packing suitcases*
kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket
kid 2: stick
The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.
One time I knocked my hot curling iron off the sink & caught it in my open palm because I have the catlike reflexes of a dim-witted ninja.
4: mama you’re a sweet tomato!
Me: Aw thank y-
4: because you’re round
Me: …
4: and plumpy
Me: go to your room