BREAKING NEWS: 23 injured while running with bulls. Authorities say injuries happened because folks were stupid enough to run… with bulls.
You Might Also Like
My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.
Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.
They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.
Her: Feed me!
Me: To what?
Me: I’ve been tired for 10 years.
Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!
Me: Weird…
I thought that was the most idiotic thing I’d ever heard, until you explained it… now it’s the second most idiotic thing.
How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this
Carpenter Ants: Very industrious
Army Ants: Extra militant
Fire Ants: Drop dope AF mixtapes
Sliding my tongue in every hole not breaking eye contact with deli clerk is why they kicked me out & won’t let me buy Swiss cheese anymore.
Three things that are certain in life~
1) Death
2) Paying taxes
3) Somewhere a woman is pissed at a man ….
When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me
The worst part of eating dessert is when it’s interrupted by the nagging thought that it’s not healthy for you. So I eat really fast and beat the thought completely.
If you ask him what he admires most about a woman and he says brains, you’ve got yourself a zombie.
I got told once that “I don’t drink alcohol at company events and people find it off putting.” Then I pulled up the company manual saying “No drinking at company events.”
Archeology has taught us that our ancestors were skeletons that lived underground and drank from broken cups.
Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣
Me: [raises hand to hail cab]
*Catches random touchdown pass
Call your boring friend Simon, “Sighmon” he’ll never know the difference and you can laugh about it with your cool bros over beers.
My sister is holding her baby in one hand and a cup of Starbucks in the other, I’m going to toss her phone at her to see who gets dropped.
See you guys when I get out of prison.
My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.
6-year-old: Why do I have to share a room?
Me: It could be worse. Harry Potter slept in a cupboard under the stairs.
6: Yeah. By himself.
I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.
I’m so good at astrology I know all the zodiac signs by heart
Aquaman
Fish
Airhead
Tommy
Jumanji
Cancer
Leo
Virgin
Liberal
Scorpion
Sa..sag..fhgjhuiujh
Caprisun
This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work
“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.
I’d congratulate you on the birth of your first child, but I have 2 of my own so here’s a sympathy card and a case of wine.
Me: do you want to go out?
Dogs: YES
Me: are you sure?
Dogs: YES MOST SURE
Me: ok
Me: [opens door]
Dogs: [go out]
Me: [closes door]
Dogs:
Dogs:
Dogs: WAIT WAT HAVE U DONE TO US WE DID NOT ASK FOR THIS