How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”
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If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv
Husband is watching a Hunger Games movie marathon with the kids.
Little does he know that while he’s at work all day, I LIVE the Hunger Games with these people. And it’s definitely a marathon.
netflix subtitles be like (speaking foreign language) bro translate it
Superman: Where’s Batman?
Wonder Woman: *shrugs*
Firestorm: I dunno
Green Lantern: …
Superman: Oh shit, we forgot Batman can’t fly again!!
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: IT’S-A ME, MARIO!
CHRIS PRATT: IT IS ME, MARIO
DIRECTOR: … better.
Ex bf: Would you give me a second chance for a Klondike bar?
Me: you can shove that square peg in your round hole.
I charge people $5 if they say “It is what it is.”
I run my house like a well oiled machine; specifically a runaway train
I don’t have friends with ugly babies mostly because I believe in honesty
Missed Connection: You were dangling from a cliff. I was scrambling for my cell phone. You fell before I could take a picture.
Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:
Kids are painting the dog in the living room.
me: fancy a movie?
them: what do you have in mind?
me: “500 Days of Summer” maybe?
them: what’s it about?
me: August 2020
no, YOU’RE holding a fresh loaf of bread like a newborn baby
I once brought great shame to my children by telling the drive-thru attendant I’d take as many ketchup packets as he could give me.
*gets into canoe*
Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!
*gets out of canoe*
Let’s hear it for the staff in this branch of Maplin, still able to crack funnies ahead of their store’s impending closure …
“I can’t fall asleep… I think it’s because I’m talking”
– my 5yo, at 3am, not wrong
A dog or a baby can only survive about 6 seconds in a closed car with the air conditioner off in July; an annoying fly, 2 weeks.
I’ll never understand why we aren’t buried in our final resting place wearing pajamas.
*bother*
*bother*
*bother*
“WHY ARE YOU BEING SO MEAN TO ME FOR NO REASON”
Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.
I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping
Phonetics
I said something about March 31st and my husband said, “Honey, there aren’t 31 days in March.”
Friends, with the most-bro-is-always-right smirk, he pulled his phone out to fact check my ass and then said, “Ha Ha Just Kidding! You know I was kidding right? It was a joke.”
13yo Jesus: You’re not my real dad! I HATE YOU!
Joseph: One of these days boy, I’ll— [distant thunder] I’ll do nothing. Absolutely nothing.
“I see you’ve got one drop of pee left in you. It would be a shame if something were to… show everyone.”
– Khaki pants
Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look
If you haven’t seen one before, may I introduce the Secretary bird.
Me: I said you can’t eat candy.
4-year-old: I’m not eating it.
Me: I see it in your mouth.
4: I’m just storing it in my cheeks for later.