Me: “Dude, I brought another dress for you to clean.”
Dry cleaner: *takes off headphone* “Sorry, come again?”
Me: “No, mustard.”
You Might Also Like
One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships.
When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go
You ever stare at your face in the mirror for so long you don’t even recognize yourself anymore & then realize you haven’t been staring into a mirror at all but a piping hot broccoli casserole?
Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”
Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.
“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.
Her to her boyfriend: I’ve eaten so much cake I’m pretty sure my blood stream is pure cake mix!
Narrator:….and that boys and girls is how the first vampire came about
Never had a DUI, I always pee after sex
Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]
Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.
My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
Sometimes my sarcasm doesn’t deliver well and people miss the message. Anyway that’s why I’m stabbing you.
So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.
My son is screaming his head off in his room but there’s no way I’m going in there if his monster reports are true.
I still wear a mask because I no longer remember how to control my facial expressions in public.
A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible
7yo: Did you drink coffee before we were born?
Me: Yes
7yo: Did you eat pancakes?
Me: Yes
7yo: What didn’t you do?
Me: Talk while peeing.
I opened wordle to play while waiting for the bus, and force of habit, I pulled my pants down cause I’m so used to playing it on the toilet
Joined a band called The Upholsterers. We do Furniture covers.
[Date]
Me: tell me about yourself
Her: I’m really vegan
Me: oh no
Her: and I have a kid
Me: oh no
Her: his name is Kale
Me: ohhh noo
*teacher sees students sharing a note*
Teacher: why don’t you read that out loud
Student: [reading note] Dear teacher, this is an intervention. Your methods of discipline via public humiliation are uninspired carbon copies of Hollywood tropes. We wrote this letter as a class…
Just saw my parents having sex. That’s the last time I go onto that website.
He pulled a rabbit out of his hat!
Also, a gerbil from his pants & a kitten from his coat.
The infamous “Pet Shop Burglar” had a good day.
If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call
*sends ex’s coordinates to wayward rocket*
A salesman knocked on my door today.
“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.
I said, “My next door neighbour.”
14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked
Me:
What’s pink and fluffy?
Pink fluff.
What’s purple and fluffy?
Pink fluff holding its breath.#RubbishJokes #PinkDay
#ThursdayVibe
This older woman on this flight next to me just pulled out her knitting so I pulled out my knitting and started talking to her about it and she could not have been less interested. She’s now wearing earplugs. Not even headphones to listen to music. Earplugs.
Them: you look great, have you been losing weight?
Me: idk I haven’t weighed myself in months but I have been eating croissants for breakfast every morning so maybe I just look happier