this husky was supposed to learn how to swim, but discovered that she could just float instead
(jukin media)
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[supermarket]
bagger: would you like some help out to your car?
me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful
Them: So you weren’t being mean?? You are just an idiot?
Me:
Me: Is there a third option?
Sorry, “hella” was an inappropriate word choice. I was trying to be cool. I’ll rephrase: Your son is totally missing.
Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.
I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.
First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol
First night as a vampire hunter: oh no
I’d be more inclined to grow up if I saw that it worked out for everyone else
*First day as a spy*
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
*flashback to me ringing the doorbell and running away over & over*
Me: Ohhh yeh
Eve: I’m hungry
Adam: wHy dOnT yOu hAvE aN aPpLe
Eve: not this again
Why are there 2 dragon smileys on Whatsapp?
“He winked at me, I should send him a dragon head.”
“No babe, this calls for a full dragon.”
If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.
Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.
The problem with always wearing that same perfectly broken-in, heavenly soft t-shirt, is how are your other t-shirts ever gonna get there.
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
I’m gonna pretend my dad didn’t abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he’ll be back
my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you
Taking 10 and 8 fishing this morning. How long will it take before someone has a hook in them and crying has started? Cause I’m saying 3 mins.
ME: [pointing at grave] What about that one?
GRAVE-DIGGER: Yep, love it
After it’s spent a hard day protecting my phone I take my OtterBox off. I rest my case.
This is the greatest Twitter thread ever
Learn cursive, they said. You’ll need it your whole life, they said.
The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.
Anytime I get something stuck in my throat, I drink some beer.
I call this the Heineken maneuver.
The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.
i just ate a disturbing amount of hummus. my apologies to my dog.
My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
Me: Do you have any homework due tomorrow?
13-year-old: Not that I remember.
Me: Do you want to check to refresh your memory?
13: I’d rather not.
[dollar store]
Me: I would like 700 dollars, please