[at art museum]
Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: It needs more yellow
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I’m just a girl, standing in front of a guy, on the side of the highway reciting the alphabet backwards and trying to walk a straight line.
Mary had a little lamb.. And then she had a very large kebab.
I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.
I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again
I made a recipe that called for aubergines. The grocery store didn’t have any so I substituted eggplants.
Husband called to me tonight, “What’re you doing in the bathroom? Kids need to get in bed.”
I will make his obituary as eloquent as I can.
*runs away from Satan*
*runs towards cake*
Ever sat cross-legged on the floor, only to realize too late that you’re too old to do that & you can’t get up but you’re too embarrassed to ask for help and please send someone I’ve been here for 2 days.
Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!
Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.
First Date
Him: I love a girl who’s professional but likes to have fun.
Me: *excitedly pulls my brief case full of beanie babies from under the table*
[concert]
Lead Singer: HOW’S EVERYBODY DOING TONIGHT
Crowd: WOOOO
Me (from the back row): fine how are you
Lead Singer: I’M GOOD THANKS FOR ASKING
What’s a good wedding gift that says “Congratulations!” but also subtly says “I really liked your first wife better”?
I went to the feed store for dog food and came back with 5 baby chickens.
I shouldn’t be allowed to have grownup money
Me: I’ll definitely do it tomorrow.
Morgan Freeman: He wouldn’t.
Me: *chasing Morgan out of my house with broom* Why are you here again?
[puppy farm]
PUPPY: Crops look good this year
My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
[Jesus opens his fortune cookie]
SOMEONE WILL BETRAY YOU
“Uh oh”
YOUR LUCKY NUMBERS ARE 4 2 0 6 9
“Haha nice!”
Judge: Did you commit murder?
Me: I’m a man. I’m afraid of commitment.
Judge: hahaha!
Me: hahaha!
Judge: Life.
Hurricane. It’s fine.
Broken foot. Still fine.
Anemic, arthritic, slow walking dog who refuses to go in the backyard so must be walked through nature’s hissy fit. Totally fine.
Coffee maker not working. EXTREMELY NOT FINE.
When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.
A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.
Flight Attendant: Is anyone here a doctor?!
Me: *shoving my way to the front* no
Take it from me
Yellow crayons are no substitute for cheese
Me: I hate people.
H: I challenge you to say something positive.
Me: I’m positive I hate people.
When you think about it, ‘I’ll pray for you’ is essentially saying ‘I’ll talk to myself about your problem’. Good luck!
I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.
kid: I feel funny, mom
mom: that’s why we’re sending you to clown school
my 7 year old said Batman was his favorite animal and it was too late to switch mine
Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way