“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
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*annual sexual harassment seminar.
Boss: We need more seats.
Me: *taps lap* I’ve got a place for someone to sit.
Boss: *sighing* You’re the reason we have these meetings.
Sometimes somebody will retweet something from way back in my timeline and I’ll think “oh god, what all did they see to get there”
[me, realizing I have a muffin top] oh no, I look delicious
I either need to win the lottery or get bitten by a vampire and gain the power of the night. But preferably the lottery.
When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.
Roommate gets sinus infection: treats it with chai tea and three different medications.
I get the same thing: GIVE ME ALL THE WASABI. CLEAR OUT MY SINUSES WITH CLEANSING FIRE. MAKE THEM AN INHOSPITABLE DESERT TO MAN, BEAST, AND VIRUS ALIKE.
Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.
There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.
When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.
In an effort to be more health conscious I’ve quit eating Reese’s bats and switched to the pumpkins instead
And I don’t want to hear people from imaginary places like Finland telling me that 57 degrees isn’t cold, save it for the elves, Santa
We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits
I told a 5th grader during the school costume parade that I liked her Beetlejuice costume and she said she liked mine too but I’m not wearing one. Today she made a very mediocre enemy.
My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad
Me: add to cart
My therapist: no
OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??
[gets bit by spider]
[I don’t get powers]
[spider suddenly becomes tired & instantly hates Peppa Pig]
Me as a kid: I’m going out in the woods. I’ll be back in 8 hours
My parents: Cool
My kid now: I’m going to a public park with my friend. I’ll be back in an hour, and will have my phone with me
Me: I don’t know – that sounds dangerous.
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35.
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
Me: [Sits down to eat breakfast]
Girlfriend: Babe, you forgot the French Toast
Me: Oh sorry [raises glass] VIVE LA FRANCE!
Psychiatrist (swinging a pocket watch): You are feeling verrry sleepy…
Me: No shit, doc. I suppose next you’re gonna tell me I’m feeling sad and fat.
just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I’m so confused
The only good comments section online is on recipes
“Why do you hate me?”
– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon
“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.
Therapist: They are NOT antidepressants
Me: All I’m saying is I’ve never been less than happy while holding a taco.
Therapist: FOR THE LAST TIME, I can’t get your insurance to cover tacos!
Me: Don’t yell at me. You need a taco.
A very busty woman whispers to me “I want you to tell me if these look real” my eyes widen, then she takes out pictures of the moon landing
Sean Swordd: mighty
Sean Penn: mightier
“Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?” I asked.
She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.
The best way to get over a cold is to get a younger hotter cold