Balloons take up a certain amount of space in the package, but if you want to know how big they’ll be when in use you have to adjust for inflation.
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Delightful if true: booby trap.
That unspoken group dynamic when all your friends are in an Uber on your way to the club and the people in the backseat are lit, dancing and scream talking and the person in the front seat is the group’s PR person and talks to the driver and just keeps saying “I’m sorry for that”
me: how much is this cordless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
A Video no one needed, but since I miss saying these things, here is what Product Managers actually do.
Ask & say a bunch of random things to sound smart.Hope I get hired for my honesty at least if not for my skills 😀
I was thinking about blocking the Suez canal but that ship has sailed
I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead
Sure it was spent alone in a desert hut, but Obi Wan basically wore a bathrobe for 19 years and I have nothing but respect.
need a new bf mines broken 😐
“I’m not contagious anymore”
– Guy who’s about to make you sick
A cashier could hand me a receipt & say “go online and fill out the survey and in a week they’ll deposit $10M into your bank account” and I still wouldn’t take the damn survey.
Met virtually with my therapist the other day & my cat’s head suddenly popped in the screen. Therapist stopped talking, pointed and whispered “CAT”.
When you’re in a meeting and you see a cat you have to say ‘cat’ just like you have to say ‘cows’ when you see cows while driving.
Please lower gas prices, I’m not built for onlyfans
Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.
Now I just hate yours.
[runs in out of breath, hands on my knees]
*you’re
Friend “Listen to this. I had wine delivered the other night and I ended up having sex with the delivery guy”
Me “There’s WINE delivery?”
[sees shark fin swimming toward me]
Oh no
[its a boy wearing a shark fin hat]
Phew
[the boy is riding a shark]
Oh no
moms in horror movies
Establish dominance by ordering ribs on your date and refuse to use a napkin.
A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
If I plant a McRib can I grow a McWoman?
My tween, who wanted money, told me I don’t look a day over 41. I’m 40.
Son hunted 4 part of our family dinner 2night! With steady nerve & calm focus, he tracked down the hot dog buns for us at the grocery store.
With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?
*horror movie
“The calls are coming from inside the house!”
“Can you find out from where? I want some chips but I’m too lazy to get up.”
Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname
I sat on the toilet approximately 4 degrees off centre, so obviously I’m rattled.
My parents moved a lot when I was younger.
My sister and I always managed to track them down though.
I took two years of anger management courses
Now I’m the manager of four brand new anger stores
[sees cute girl jog by]
“Imma run up and ask her out”
[one block later still not caught up]
“Ok, wow, we probably weren’t soul mates anyway”
*on a first date*
Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal
Me: aw thanks
*turns to the waiter*
Me: do you have pony meat