I carry an extra fish stick behind my ear like a Marlboro.
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“If I let them stay up late on Friday night, we can sleep in Saturday morning!”
-a strategy that has never worked for any parent, ever.
I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.
MESSENGER: sire, a peasant named humpty dumpty fell off a wall
KING: send all my horses and men to put him back together
QUEEN: should we not just send a doctor
KING: no send all the horses and men
ADVISOR: my liege, the castle will be defenseless
KING: all of them i said
🌱🌱🌱
common English mistakes:
-mixing up there, their and they’re
-using the wrong too, to or two
-using apostrophes for plurals
-enslaving innocent people
-putting commas in the wrong place
[GUYS WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE]
Guy1: What should we call it?
Guy2: How bout ‘Hot Spot’?
Guy1: Nah..
Guy2: How bout ‘Fireplace’?
Guy1: Duuuuuuuuude!!!
It’s so windy, my dog keeps stopping, looking back at me and dropping that “you gonna fix this shit?” look.
I love the excitement and suspense of hitting a bump on a back road at night. Like, was it a body? Was it not a body? Lol so fun
Finished assembling an IKEA bookshelf!
I’m very excited for my wife to see it and reassemble it the right way
[looks into a mirror]
Well. That can’t be right.
To all of you Single Guys here on Twitter…
Don’t forget to buy your Wife something on Valentine’s Day.
Penguin 1: [staring sadly out of plane window]
Penguin 2: [supportively puts a flipper on his shoulder] there’s no shame in arriving at the annual bird convention by plane, Colin
I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
I can’t even tell you how much I would not enjoy this
TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.
a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist
3 month plan:
1. Get a man
2. Plan fancy dinner
3. Check in on Facebook
4. Instagram dinner
5. Make that bitch Kelly jealous of you for once
Me: I can’t afford to get my hair coloured at the salon this month. I’ll just do it myself at home.
Me: *half an hour later*
imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed
Bitcoin. Toothurt.
Them: you look great, have you been losing weight?
Me: idk I haven’t weighed myself in months but I have been eating croissants for breakfast every morning so maybe I just look happier
I once had a tweet go bacterial.
Congrats to everyone who just got cast in the new Star Wars movie. The film industry is telling you they think you look like an alien.
there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy
I’m rabidly against plagiarism, but I guess if you’re going to steal something, a Columbus joke at least makes sense
I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…
You know that button in the elevator with the fireman´s hat on it.
Turns out that is not the button you press to get a fireman´s hat.
when I put “???” In a conversation, this is exactly my face behind the phone lol