[Starts jogging]
Body: No.
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interviewer: can you work overtime?
me: *nodding* and space
National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?
When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.
I need a hobby. I’ve been over on Insta, commenting ‘what kind of dog is this?’ On people’s bird pics.
He asked me to do something freaky in the bedroom so I stayed awake for two days
I just finished off my daughter’s leftover juice and swallowed a surprise tater tot. I’m not looking for sympathy, I just want you to be aware that this kind of thing can happen.
I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?
Someone goes back in time to the 2009 VMAs, gives Taylor Swift a taser to use on Kanye.… the timeline is forever changed! World peace, etc.
GROOT: I am Groot.
TEACHER: I don’t know, can you?
GROOT: *Sigh* I am Groot.
TEACHER: Yes, you may.
If I had a time machine I’d take 17 dollars to 1901 and buy several luxurious homes. Related: does anyone have a time machine and 17 dollars
My father used to locate and deactivate land mines for a living. I wish to follow in his footsteps. His EXACT footsteps.
When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home
I’m a carb girl, born and bread
Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.
Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.
Serious question, are there beef songs in other genres? If so please send. I know Mexican cartels got songs about people they killed. But to me, if the other person already dead, that ain’t beef, That’s just journalism.
HIM: tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: i’m on wheel of fortune and i spin it so hard it lights on fire
HIM: i meant like-
ME: everyone claps
You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.
Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.
Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness
Me: lying on my resume probably
People believe that they have brains but maybe that’s just inside their heads.
My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.
I’m at a track meet watching my sister compete in weight throw and shot put, and I’m wondering what is going to hurt tomorrow from sitting on the bleachers 😂
I’ll bet Medusa never got mosquito bites.
My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere
Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week-
Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.
Son: I’m addicted to morphing
Dad: Oh God no, are you smoking it, injecting it?
Son: No Dad,not Morphine
Dad: what?
Son: *turns into bat
My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.
My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.
Girlfriend: *whispering* Have you ever thought of getting rid of that mole?
Me: He may be blind, but he’s not deaf