Surgeon: I’m unable to perform this surgery. I’ve only got 10,000 spoons, when all I need is a knife.
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*turns TV off*
“THEY HAD CAMERAS EVERYWHERE BUT NOBODY SAW THE TOYS WALKING AROUND?!”– me every time I watch Toy Story 3
This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.
I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.
My kid asked how the Easter bunny gets inside the house and I’m very uncomfortable with the amount of lying this parenting gig requires.
4-year-old: Why do my hands taste funny?
Me: I don’t know. Go wash them.
4: Don’t you want to taste them first?
It finally happened. A real human asked me to write an obit that stated “he died doing what he loved” and it took everything in me to keep my shit together about that.
*leaves toilet seat up at hotel*
[phone buzzes: text from wife]
*slowly puts toilet seat down*
Told my teen “I love you” when I dropped her off at school this morning and she replied “Thank you”
So if history has taught me anything, she’s probably leaving me for another mom soon.
WISE MAN: Inside you there are two wolves.
TWO WOLVES IN A TRENCH COAT: *sweating*
You know you’re a real a&&**** when you go in for a colonoscopy and come out with a sore throat.
When I was in college, my mother didn’t sleep with my math professor to pass the class, I did. Kids have it so easy now.
Inspirational Quote Of The Day..
Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here
ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay
TAXI DRIVER: Again, no
This lady just ordered a turkey sub with no bread & the deli lady said, “so you want a salad?” The lady said, “no, a sub without bread.” So to be annoying I asked for a salad just like hers. If looks could kill, I wouldn’t be telling y’all this.
My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.
I may be 37, but I feel 25…when I look at my finances:
I just want someone to tell me how strong I am after I open a difficult container
Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable
If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.
I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.
HER: Talk dirty to me.
ME: I don’t want to.
HER: C’mon.
ME: No, I’m bad at it.
HER: I’m sure you’re not.
ME: I really am.
HER: Just try.
ME: *whispers in her ear*
HER: Yeah, never do that again.
“Don’t ask.”
– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask
drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
If you had a gaming PC in prison, can you imagine how good you’d get
*snowing outside*
HIM: I should salt the front walk
ME, nodding: Ooh, to enhance the umami flavor
liquor on the top shelf is so expensive because the bartender has to stand on their tippy toes to reach it
*aggressively waits in line*
[in front of fire]
DATE: I’m still kinda cold *she looks at my jacket*
ME: Oh! Yeah *I take off jacket & throw it in fire* That oughta do it
Tired of your teens stealing your hoodies?
Just get them embroidered with
“MY MOM IS THE FLEEKEST OF COOL”
Problem solved.
me in high school: oh my god I missed two hairs on my legs, I am an abomination
me today: the bug spray has lemongrass and peppermint in it so it doubles as perfume