The story of Narcissus falling in love with his reflection is a little far-fetched.
*takes 87 selfies*
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The good thing about being tall is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
The bad thing is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
caller: listen carefully–we have a hidden camera in your hotel room. you need to…
me: pay you money? smuggle drugs???
caller: cover it up. and would a little cardio kill you?
I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.
I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.
If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.
Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!
Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?
It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.
I lost my job as a surgeon.
Apparently, I shouldn’t have left unfinished work over the weekend.
i could never sleep with a man named dunstin. that’s a monkey’s name.
when my dog had kidney failure the vet said he had weeks to live, so we fed him kfc, food from the table, everything he wanted, damn dog lived for another 3 years before getting ran over by a van
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
Sometimes I worry that pizza isn’t a real sport
Ok but actually
The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.
We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.
My chakras have been itchy all day but it turns out it was just a dryer sheet.
“You looked stressed”
Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”
The minute you start feeling good about your parenting Stacy from Facebook posts about her son winning the Nobel Peace Prize.
I love being a mom. I just left the vacuum running in front of my teenagers door until he woke up. Should have done what I asked, lil shit!
New research reveals that “the printer’s not working” is the third most common English phrase, right behind “thank you” and “go f*** yourself”
life hack: put on an apron at home and people think you’re super busy doing important stuff even when you’re not
one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
Picked my kid up from a playdate at a pristine home and the mom said “excuse the mess” so I guess that’s the end of that friendship
OH. COME. ON.
“You could have done so much better than him.”
Me: Mom, I’m right here.
Titanic (1997)
A woman cheats on her rich fiancé with a homeless guy & then throws a giant diamond into the ocean like a big stupid dummy.
We skipped the hour where I was supposed to exercise. Oh well, Maybe next year.
Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.
I keep a pocket DVD player, loaded with The Neverending Story, paused on the scene where Artax drowns in the swamp of sadness. In case I overhear someone say “that’s the saddest thing ever!” and need to show them why they’re wrong