If you die* in your dream, you die* in real life.
*pee
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My perfect woman has the brain of Marie Curie & the body of Marilyn Monroe. This obsession with extreme memorabilia is perhaps her only flaw
I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?
zookeeper: have you folks seen the lions yet?
me: no, not yet!
zookeeper : ok *starts sweating* well stay calm and let someone know if you do
Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?
[being interviewed from a lily pad in a fetid bog] I mean, if you think about it who hasn’t lied to a witch at some point?
You can let me hold your baby I won’t drop it. If you think I’m the kind of person who would drop a baby you’re flat wrong. And if you’re the sort of person who believes unsubstantiated rumors about me dropping babies, well I just feel sorry for you.
🛁
*puts ex in Memory Lane*
*revs car engine*
Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.
*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*
It’s going to be super weird when all this shit is over and your boss is trying to get you to be all serious in some stupid meeting.
I just survived the apocalypse Carl, I don’t give a shit about forecasting
Treat your relationships as you would your teeth, daily attention and they could last a lifetime, too bad the same can’t be said for hair.
I like to think my wife’s friends stare at me because I’m hot but it’s probably because they have never seen a potato salad sandwich before.
Getting escorted outta Panera for doing keg stands at the charged lemonade machine.
Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
On an afternoon walk, a handsome stranger hands you a note. It says “By the time you read this, I will already be petting your dog.” You look down. It’s true.
Mission: Impossible
Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.
My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don’t have the heart to tell her he’s just out chasing Pokemon.
Me as a kid: when I’m an adult I’m gonna stay up all night and eat whatever I want
Me as an adult: If I don’t finish this glass of water and get to bed by 9 I will die
*first day as a hair stylist
“STOP SCREAMING ABOUT THE BLOOD! THAT’S WHY WE PUT THE APRON ON YOU!”
I feel like a voodoo doll living in a Barbie world.
A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.
Uber is going to choose a new CEO in 4 minutes. Now 5 minutes. Shit now it’s 11 minutes away, why is it going in the opposite direction
The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.
[Getting waterboarded]
“Um, sir the subject isn’t responding to interrogation, he’s just getting bigger”
[Me, a sponge]
“MwahahaHAHAHAA”
At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose
*sends epic tweet*
[no likes 3 hours later]
*waits 2 weeks, sends again*
[no likes 1 day later]
*starts typing*
NSA: dude, let it go
Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can’t think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.
Ask Jesus if he loves me, but be cool about it.