flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode
optimus prime: i can only do “truck”
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Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.
$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?
When do you introduce yourself to your new neighbors? Is it after 5 years? Tell me it’s after you hit their mailbox with your car.
GMO bananas: turn brown for what?
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.
Guy from the Prodigy: I’m a firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Okay fine
Guy from the Prodigy: You’re the firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Aww man don’t drag me into this shit
Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.
“How do you find anything in here?!”
-my mugger, giving my purse back
Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.
[bank robbery]
Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit
Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I’ve already told you everything you need to know
DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?
In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.
Her: Give me a chat up line?
Me: Uh ok, are you a zookeeper?
Her: *laughs* Because I’m so captivating?
Me: No, you smell like an animal.
I’m so white when I eat sushi they just bring me a fork they don’t even ask
Having sex with the same person for the rest of your life is like always running the same route. You know every peak, every dip, when to go hard, when to slow down. You know how to pace it and always know when the end is near. But a new route? No thanks. There might be bees. BEES
If you think ghost peppers are hot, you should’ve ate them when they were alive.
my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil
“Wanna see videos from my vacation?”
*shows home video of me eating a raccoon under a bridge
“This is the wrong video”
“No this is right”
Unlike regular Jiu Jitsu, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu will get you out of a hairy situation.
[shampoo bottle falls in the bath]
all other bottles: WE ARE COMING FOR YOU, BROTHER
ME: I wasn’t invited to the party
FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic
ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone
You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.
My favorite outdoor activity is looking for shade.
Person drinking Smart Water: It’s like I’m being smart about what I put in my body.
Me, mouth full of Smartees: We’re so much alike.
*Salem 1692*
Witch: I’m not a witch!
Judge: Look, if we’re being honest, you’re on trial for being a woman. Don’t make this weird
The French really did the “this is fine” meme.
I could not be more annoyed
*checks Twitter*
Ok, I’m more annoyed
BRAIN: it’s 4am u up?
ME: leave me alone
B: who was our grade 5 teacher?
M: stop
B: why’s our eye itchy?
M: I’m ignoring u
B: engage bladder
[after meditating]: I’m still angry, but in a calmer way