me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
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what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti
THE WORLD WOULD BE SOOOOO MUCH HAPPIER IF EVERYBODY WAS A DUCK
Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.
If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.
Dominos sent me an email while I was in the frozen pizza section. Trust issues much? I’ll call you later, relax.
[orders pizza]
Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?
Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.
why is it spelled “camouflage” and
not .
A piece of bacon fell on the heating element when I was taking it out of the oven and I saved it without a moment’s hesitation. So that rush of adrenaline that gives parents the strength to lift a car off their kid?
I get it.
Don’t forget to tip your server
I am truly grieving for everyone who thinks they are too cool to wear a fanny pack because you all deserve to live this unencumbered hands-free lifestyle
Waiter: Did we decide?
Date: Yes, I’d like the Sirloin. Medium rare.
Me: And I’d like the Remix to Ignition. Hot & fresh out the kitchen.
Can we all just agree that fries are really just nude poutine?
*waits several days to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
*waits a week to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that
*waits a month to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .
You don’t have a Twitter account. Twitter has a You account.
chicken: [stamps out cigarette] have you even once considered that THIS is the other side of the road?
Kevin Hart 🤣🤣🤣
we have ways of making you talk mr bond
[introduces dave]
this is dave, he’s a vegan
“OK ENOUGH”
My husband is working from home and he’s still late.
I didn’t set my clocks back. I’m writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.
Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.
The extreme internal pressure from my intelligence is forcing my hair follicles to fall out …. No one believes me
Hugh Jackman denies ever taking steroids to transform into Wolverine:
“I had been told what the side effects are… I don’t love my job that much.”
Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake
Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.
As 2021 closes, I am reminded of a saying.
Time flies like an arrow…
But fruit flies like a banana.
[searching for a new church]
Me: *calls* Yes, does your church offer complimentary WiFi, red wine and light appetizers?
Church: *click*
They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.
*presses shuffle on 900 song playlist
Spotify: IMMA ONLY JUST PLAY THESE 12 EVER
I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.