Website: Make a password
Me: Ok
Website: Make it STRONGER so you don’t get HACKED
Me: Wow alright
Website: Damn that’s a strong password
[1 Week Later]
Website: You got hacked
Me: But my password was so strong
Website: Yeah the whole site got hacked. Our bad
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Watching my kids inspecting the French dips I made like I’m about to defend a dissertation
Them: and what is this?
Me: that is ..(checks notes).. Provolone cheese, ma’am
Them: hmmmmm….
they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome
explaining cat scratches is like defending an abusive boyfriend to your parents “he didn’t mean it” “you guys just don’t know him like I do”
I went to the doctor because I have been hearing voices nonstop.
Apparently they are called children.
Getting a man to do something I’m perfectly capable of doing.
My weight loss goal is to not care about the crumbs at the bottom of a Pringles can.
Don’t wait until tomorrow to be a good person. Wait until next Thursday
You are what you eat?
*eats Natalie Portman*
Toy Story (1995): A young boy’s toy chest becomes possessed by haunted dolls, forcing the family to move away. But the dolls find him.
Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”
Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.
i know it’s been said a billion times but literally everything about Brendan Fraser is fantastic
[first date]
Me: I don’t like flowers
Her: orchids?
Me: nope, but it’s a little soon to be talking about starting a family
Alcohol…Because sometimes the truth needs a laxative.
I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?
The existence of Kylo Ren implies the existence of Kylo Stimpy.
Gym trainer: are you looking to lose weight or increase cardio and fitness?
Me: I wanna look hot enough so people think I’m a bot
My kids got like 20 pounds of candy and that is so unhealthy so obviously I have to eat it all for their own good
It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese
Not to brag but I just completed my resolution from 1987.
*correctly programs VCR*
Me: My ex had a problem. He was constantly nauseous.
Friend: Actually that word is often used incorrectly. “Nauseated” describes feeling queasy. “Nauseous” means the person causes a feeling of sickness.
Me: I stand by what I said.
“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.
The lady cutting my hair asked me to lift my head like I was taking a selfie. I don’t know what’s worse, her request or me knowing exactly what to do.
Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it
I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.
[jazz club]
date: I love the sound of double bass
me: [sexily] bass bass
I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.
REPORTER: still feel it was a good idea to spend all $80 million of your lottery winnings on this?
ME: [using my 28 surgically added hands to pet 30 dogs at once] yes
[a 31st dog walks by]
ME: oh no