At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.
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Europeans are like “we go on holiday but Americans don’t go on holiday, they go on vacation.”
WE DON’T GO ON VACATION EITHER
Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.
Tree:
Tree Doctor: it’s a Tree house
Tree: oh no
Tree Doctor: you have humans
Seriously this lawyer has shouted enough about the case he’s on that I could go on Westlaw dockets,find the case, call opposing counsel, and let him listen to the strategy call.
Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.
Imagine you know a guy named Gary, & Gary calls his car the Garymobile & insists that you do, too. What I’m saying is Batman is a douche
Me: Don’t do anything special for my birthday.
*People do special things for my birthday*
Me: Oh thank God.
Murder is like art, as long as you can bullshit your way into justifying it, someone out there will be like “oh yeah, I totally get it.”
Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?
If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you’re blessed or you probably don’t have friends
My Body: we’re hungover
Me: but I didn’t drink anything
My Body: I don’t make the rules
I once pushed a shopping cart 10 miles the other direction to avoid talking to someone I knew at the grocery store.
All I said was, Even those starving kids in Africa wouldn’t eat your cooking and my wifes foot became Mayor of my ass on Foursquare.
There comes a point in every parent’s life when they notice the soap and shampoo they bought for their kids isn’t getting used up nearly as quickly as it should be.
Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because of my obsession with emo rock bands
her: no it’s because of the weird chemistry fanfics that you keep writing
me: i knew it! you hate my chemical romance
When you’ve brought up your child to be kind and never take sides.
Husband: Who’s fatter – mummy or daddy?
Miss 8: You both are.
cashier: would you like to donate to help fight kids—
me: lemme stop you right there. yes
me: so you know when you lie on a resume and then you get the job and you’re just like, “I know how to do literally none of this”?
copilot: you’re leaning on the intercom.
Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.
If only.
*getting sexy boudoir photos taken for my husband*
Photographer: Ma’am, in the next shot, could you please put down the cheeseburger?
Not sure if this girl I’m talking to online is real, so on our first date I’m gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.
[first date questions]
You like meat? I make killer beef jerky with leftover hobo carcasses…and she’s gone
Whatever she’s probably vegan
deeply unfair of people to assume I have my life together just because I’m boring
[hanging Vanilla Ice from a balcony by his ankles]
Vanilla Ice: “dont drop me! ill give you anything! ill sign my royalties over to-”
me: “royalties? i just want more raps about ninja turtles”
friend: you watch anything good lately?
me: yeah a documentary about this serial killer that lured children into his house and killed them in elaborate ways
friend: who
me: William Wonka
Him: I’m an dog person
Me: *excited* So like, a werewolf?
people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.
[Husband 911]
Me: I just shattered the gravy boat.
911: She’ll kill you.
M: I know.
911: We never spoke.
M: What?
911: Good luck
* Click *