I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused exercise bike from 1987.
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Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?
I wish people would stop asking me if I’m on Twitter, clearly I’m not.
I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.
[couch shopping]
Wife: Eh, you married to it?
*a bead of sweat trickles down my brow as I hope she doesn’t notices the couch’s wedding ring*
I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.
Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄
I used to work at McDonald’s and we only told ugly people that the ice cream machine was broken
So I have bad news if you were ever denied ice cream
Interviewer: It says here on your resume that you are an overachiever. Care to elaborate?
Me: I’m 35 but my body already feels like it’s 65.
After last night’s egg dyeing fiasco, and all the egg hiding and sugared up kids ranging from 9 to 2, I’m gonna need a little coffee in my whisky to get through the rest of the day.
My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.
smartest karate player in the world
That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years
[first day of school]
LILY: My mommy named me Lily because she loves lilies.
LUNA: My mommy named me Luna because she loves the moon.
BRANDY and METHANY: We hate this game.
The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.
There’s 8 people waiting on me to get up and cook breakfast. Someone come kidnap me please.
In what is potentially a gross misunderstanding of Christmas in general, my 2.5yo has hidden her wallet ahead of Santa’s arrival.
me: how do i use this inhaler?
doctor: you suck.
me: i’m trying sorry
For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.
If you see me in the baby section at the store, there’s no bun in the oven. Just a cat at home that clearly needs a onesie.
Is there any way to tell a woman she has nice skin without her thinking you want to turn her into a jacket, especially one who really would make a nice jacket?
[blind date]
HER: I love sports!
ME: Uh…me too
HER: Have you ever played tennis on grass
ME: No, but I once went bowling on crystal meth
I like when the doctor says nice things about me (cool shoes) and I don’t like when the doctor says mean things about me (bad cholesterol, need more exercise, drink less, actually the shoes suck)
*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*
HOT POCKET
3: Dadda where’s my Paw Patrol costume?
Me: What? I don’t know
3: Dadda get up, go find it
Me: …..
3: …..
Me: Oh I see, you want ME to do the work for you?
3: YEAH! I want you to do da work!
“Get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep. 9 if you’re ugly.” – Betty White
My son just told me he wasn’t a huge chicken fan and I told him I too prefer normal sized chickens and then my wife called the cops.
friend: why do u look sad
me: I have wrongdog
friend: what’s wrongdog
me: *big breath in*
I don’t understand wishing dead celebrities happy birthday. Shoutout to Mary Queen of Scots, who would be 577 today.
I just found my new favorite conspiracy theory …