If you’re wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it’s because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.
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Daughter: I drew a picture of you
Me: where’s my big muscles?
Daughter: *looks at me up and down* good question
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.
Saw a ‘Book Of Opposites’ at the store today and I couldn’t help but wonder why they didn’t call it a Contradictionary.
What I say: it’s time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole
The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band
All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.
remembering the time i crashed an oscar watching party with a handful of TV people in los feliz and brought a tres leches cake as my offering to have one of the actors stand up and declare it was “DAIRY” with a measure of disgust
6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.
That stung.
This is an illustration of how dumb I am in the morning: I woke up yesterday to my “Alarm” on my phone and my first thought was “Aladdin is calling me”
*gave my child a coin to throw in a wishing fountain*
“What did you wish for?”
“I wished I could throw a coin in the fountain.”
I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together
It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.
Bring your kids to work day was a huge success. One of the children fixed our server.
I need my next partner to be absolutely looney tunes for me. Like, heart exploding from chest, tongue rolling out into a carpet, bonking themselves on the head with a hammer when they see me until little birds circle them, etc etc
i actually don’t have any problems, i only go therapy to brag
Every Batman actor should have to audition with this scene.
Raiders sequel: Temple of Doom
Daytona Speedway: Temple of Zoom
Flower garden: Temple of Bloom
Bridal chapel: Temple of Groom
Clothing factory: Temple of Loom
Demolition site: Temple of Boom
Funeral home: Temple of Gloom
Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 🙁
“3 FOR 1 TACOS, TODAY ONLY” I shout into the megaphone. the crowd watches with bated breath.
“I’m coming down,” the man on the ledge shouts
[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]
Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?
[At Pharmacy]
Pharmacist: This medi…
Me: Can we just skip to the part where I pay? I brought my own water. I’ll take one now.
Dating tip: Men find mysterious woman alluring, so keep the spark alive by occasionally acting like a lunatic possessed by the devil.
i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow
*Draws happy eyebrows on my dog*
I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.
the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation
Just seductively flipped my hair to the side and a partially eaten chocolate Santa fell out.
My 3 year old just had a meltdown because I told her she had to be 4 before she could be 6. I haven’t broken the news about 5 to her yet.
My neighbor bought a fancy zero-turn mower around the same time I got my beat up old tractor off craigslist. Since then, a couple times a season he has his mower towed off for repairs. Meanwhile, smooth sailing over here.
So the moral of the story is: Mow money, mow problems