photographer: alright guys, now let’s do a silly one
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Monday, why can’t you be more like Tuesday and have tacos
Toddler: ring ring *hands me a banana*
Me: ew just let it go to voice mail.
Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
“I chose you yesterday, I choose you today, and I will choose you tomorrow.”
– Me, to my coffee
My dog is home alone today. I wish I could call him and make sure he’s okay, but he keeps his phone on silent
If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.
Maintaining my stance that groceries are sexist until they start selling grampulated sugar
I guess writing “To Whom It May Concern” on the note of apology isn’t the wisest idea when your wife accuses you of being cold and impersonal.
my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her
Kid: why do cookies look so happy?
Me: idk…maybe cuz they’re baked
Kid: I wanna get baked
Me: me too kid… me too
Ever look up at a star and wonder if someone else in the world is outside, staring at that same star while waiting for their french bread pizza to cook?
“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.
I think my abs look pretty good for a mother of 2 kids.
I don’t have kids.
If you’re thinking about getting married just know you can ruin the next eighteen years of your life for a lot less money by buying a cockatiel instead.
the cat has to wear the cone of shame and i woke up to her standing over me like a homicidal lamp and any way i’ll never be going back to sleep again
Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions
Wife: Is dinner ready?
Me: Not yet.
Wife: Are you using the slow cooker?
Me: You could say that
I trace wine labels in crayon and hang them from our fridge magnets; people think we have disturbingly gifted children.
They:’What doesn’t kill you..’
Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’
At the zoo, you have to drag me away from the otter pool. The promise of a soft pretzel usually does it.
My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.
“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”
-my new line of Get Well cards
Athena: Hey if someone were to hypothetically curse you and turn your hair into your greatest fear what would it be
Medusa: probably snakes I’ve always hated them
Athena: interesting
Medusa: why
Athena:
Medusa: *nervous sweating* Athena why would you ask me that
I’m sure it’s fine.
Friend: I can’t believe we ever used landlines. Could you imagine your phone always being connected to the wall?
Me, phone always at 4% battery: haha no way
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively
Her: I like dogs
Me: *dies in 10-13 years*