*turns up to a yoga class in full Master Yoda costume*
“Oh dear. Misread the flyer, I have.”
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6-year-old: When I grow up, do I have to get a job?
Me: Only if you want food and shelter.
6: *carefully considers her options*
10: I just read that you have fingertips but not toe tips yet you can tiptoe but not tip finger.
Me: It’s 6 am.
I’m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it’s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I’m still better than you.
I slipped on a toy car and ended up sprawled on the floor, so my toddler used me as a step stool to get onto the couch if you’re wondering what parenthood is like
My wife and I spell out words so our toddler won’t understand what we’re saying, but we both spell like shit so we can’t understand what we’re saying either.
Girl in the locker room put her pants on the floor and tried to hop into them. I was going to call her awesomepants, but coma girl works too
my wife loves it when one of the kids prays before dinner and they say “please God i hope this food is good”.
Nothing makes me feel as dumb as choking on water. Where is it even going? I have one throat and we do this literally 100 times a day. Just go straight down, bro.
A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.
[drive thru window]
[apologize to homeowners]
What sort of drug abuse and debauchery has to occur in someone’s life for them to start liking Charmin Toilet Paper on Facebook?
I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot
INTERVIEWER: And why under skills did you put “has dominion over bees”?
ME: [covered in bee stings] You can cross that one off
If sharks are so tough how come not a single one turned up to fight me behind the school last Friday
Me: sorry I can’t work today, the baby’s not well
Boss: what baby?
Me: me
The number of people I have accidentally assaulted while talking with my hands is less than fifty, probably.
Definitely less than a hundred.
The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.
my personal injury lawyer: *confused look*
me: ANSWER ME, ARE YOU SEEING OTHER CLIENTS OR NOT
there comes a point in every parent’s life when they consider the possibility that they might need to lower their expectations
Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was sitting in my bed with my phone in my hand watching it ring
GEICO: customer service, how can we help?
ME: I’ve been in a car accident
GEICO: ok are you in a safe location?
ME: *looking around bank vault I crashed into* how did you know?
Me: Bitch, try me.
Judge: That’s exactly what we’re doing here!
Broom by every window for quick escape.
narrator: and here we see the majestic bal-
toupeed eagle: what?
My foto for you
I hope you are a good girl
Your foto look nice#haiku
Me: I don’t want to dwell on that.
My brain: OK, let’s put a pin in it and circle back later. Is 3 a.m. good for you?
Hedge fund CEO: I lost $3 billion, my company, my home, and now my wife
Me: Have you considered budgeting?
Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”
Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.
[parole hearing]
OFFICER: are u reformed?
ME: I—
O: go on
M: I th—
O: tell us
M: I’m—
O: yes
M: can I finish my sentence
O: ok parole denied