In every scary movie an entity is always coming through a “doorway”.
I’m just sitting here waiting for a dope demon to come through a 90’s bead curtain.
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If it makes any grown women out there feel better, I measured the pockets in my 5 yo’s pants and he can’t fit a phone or wallet in his, either
Husband said our electricity bills are too high need to cut back
so I asked him to move.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
MORPHEUS: choose the red pill or the blue pill
NEO: which one turns into the coolest dinosaur
*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?
I dropped a piece of cheese on the airplane and i know it rolled forward and some piece of shit in first class is enjoying it now
Donald Trump’s campaign is basically that thing where you say the wrong answer in Pictionary then just keep saying it louder and louder
nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.
Bruce Willis is relaxing by his pool. he’s got so much sunscreen on that he slowly slides off his lounger, out of the gate & down the road
I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.
Bruce Wayne was terrified of bats & he became Batman, so anyway that’s why I became ClownBaboonDentistMan
Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.
I wanted to cook alligator for tonight’s dinner,
but then I remembered that I only have a croc pot.#RubbishJokes #DadJokes #AmazingFacts
Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”
“A mean dog is terrorizing people a few towns over. I am going to drive over there & yell at him from my car.” – Barack Obama
You think people who drink the energy drinks would have enough energy to put the cans in the bin rather than on the ground.
“Hello, my little friend.”
“Um, hi.”
“See that lady holding the camera?”
“Yeah?”
“She leaves for work in an hour.”
my primary source of oxygen is gasping at all the stupidity
me: i’m proposing to my gf
sonic the hedgehog: that’s awesome man
me: i need a ring lol
sonic: *nervous* haha
me: *pulling out a baseball bat*
Living well is decent revenge but the kind with catapults and fire is way better.
me: no don’t open that candy before din-
5: [opens bag of candy and skittles go everywhere]
me: [deep breath] iwantedkidsiwantedkidsiwantedkids. ididthistomyselfididthistomyself.
According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.
“Clean up after yourselves. Your mother doesn’t live here!” I holler at my kids, completely forgetting several key details.
What do you mean my back has experienced trauma and needs time to recover? It hasn’t seen combat, I just bent over.
When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.
“The old lady I see in the park every day has had her house raided.”
“Sniffer dogs?”
“No, I usually just say good morning to her”.
word gets around the prison that i’ve been digging a tunnel. one night they follow me down and find me in my ball pit. they don’t seem to understand freedom
Whenever I see *Batman voice* I always wonder which Batman.
Willy Wonka making Charlie the CEO of the Wonka company was actually a pretty smart business move considering the lawsuits the company will be getting after the murder tour
Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA