[first date]
Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa*
Him: You look nice tonight
Me: *smiles ambiguously*
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The hardest part of parenting is sharing the chocolate chip cookies. And your heart walking around outside your body. But mainly cookies.
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it
“do you live under a rock?” you ask. i pick up a very big rock and you watch, astounded, as i descend into my elaborate tunnel system that stretches for miles
How can you still believe in astrology after hearing Mewtwo say that the circumstances of your birth are irrelevant
Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine
How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
I’m not laughing AT you, I’m laughing WITH other people at you.
Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.
Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.
This Xmas, remember there are people less fortunate than you. People who can’t sleep diagonal, people sharing a bed, people who are married.
Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me
Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF
Another morning waking up not knowing where tf you are or how you got there.
Oh you want to roll up next to me with your bass thumping some gangsta rap so my whole car shakes?
That’s cool, hold on. Two can play this game.
*Turns up Baby Shark to max volume*
Need this in my life lol
cop: you’re coming with me
me: [being handcuffed] but i don’t even know you
cop: get in the car
me: will you take me to disneyland
cop: what do you think
me: maybe
I don’t know what to say to a woman when she is angry, but it’s definitely not, “Whatever, Pippi Wrongstocking.”
Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.
My 72 year-old mother just informed me she is going to her first “sex party” and doesn’t know what to bring.
After some delicate questioning, “Gender Reveal, Mom. It’s called a Gender Reveal.”
I want those snacks that have 2 eyes and a scary mouth
-my 3 yo, describing pretzels
Sorry I used the word flaccid twice in your wedding toast.
My 1yo has been crawling around with a croissant in her hand all morning. Not eating it, just clutching it. I think it’s her Emotional Support Croissant.
As a seasoned negotiator, I’ve created a complex list of demands that my children must complete before I’ll buy myself a foosball table. I mean buy them a foosball table
Boss: Lunch meeting, let’s go.
Me: Do I have to?
Boss: Free food and unlimited alcohol.
Me: *moonwalks to the car*
Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..
Years ago my wife and I were on an early date in a Chinese restaurant when a guy came over and said to me: “Can you shut up? You’ve got a very loud voice”. I said: “My girlfriend has very poor hearing. Isn’t that right?” And to her enormous credit she replied: “WHAT?”
Me *on phone to IT* it just says insecure and no special character
Him: ok so your password needs to be
Me: No no I’m doing an online personality test
Me: Wait, you think I’m a slow learner?
Wife: (two years earlier) Why are you such a slow learner?
If you’re wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it’s because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.
I never feel quite so uncertain as when I’m walking the dog and a neighbor driving by waves to me but my free hand has a bag of poop in it.