These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich
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How to create a weight-loss program: (1) Take a before picture. (2) Eat like a pig. (3) Take an after picture. (4) Switch the pictures.
I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution
Time heals everything 🙂
*Gets 20 Year High School Reunion Invite in mail*
I’m not going to this shit, that’s what Facebook is for.
*reads ‘open bar’*
Aaaand I’m in.
Bruce Willis is talking to a parrot. “I’m Bruce Willis” he says. The parrot repeats it. “yeah right” Bruce says, but is secretly worried
You want a puppy? … correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you kill an artificial plant last year.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
Bed should get ready for ME
*at the movie theater* umm ok the hackers also said theyd do a terror unless u giv me unlimited free popcorn and uh.. also that guys popcorn
“Did you realise that a woman’s “I’ll be ready in five minutes” and a man’s “I’ll be home in five minutes” are exactly the same?”
The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.
Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃
A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.
Me: I love these lazy Sundays.
Boss: It’s Tuesday. Get off my couch and out of my office. And for Christ’s sake, put some clothes on!
You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?
We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them
*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]
Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight.
I’m just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.
I may be getting old but not “doesn’t know what day of the week it is” old. I can tell by which day I open on my daily pill organizer.
The biggest threat of punishment for my daughter is saying I’ll pick out her clothes for school.
Me: *entering my 30th year of employment* I wonder what I’m going to be when I grow up
Since I’ve been scared of flying people have always tried to assuage said fear with “planes are way safer than cars!” and Boeing said “never mind!!!”
Her: Oh, a handsome man like you must be used to compliments.
Me: Yes, but do go on…
When I was little, I didn’t care what I wore. I just went along with what my parents chose.
When I look in old photo albums, l realize that they didn’t care either.
robber: gimme your money
me: don’t hurt me i take care of my declining parents
my dad: [from inside the car] don’t believe his lies
“Where can I find the paper towels?”
“Who’s asking?”
Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.
You love him. Your parents approve him. He buys you flowers and chocolate. He wrote you a poem that rhymes “wood” with “food.”
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
“Why is your stomach making those weird noises?”
Me: