10 just informed me that exercising releases inner-dolphins. If that’s not a reason to exercise, then I don’t know what is.
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Neighbors of serial killers always describe them as “really nice” people.
Who else is a “really nice” neighbor?
Canada.
I’m just sayin’
3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then
My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison
You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore
Person who is about to invent the coffee mug: Ouch! This coffee cup is too hot to pick up!
Boss: I don’t have time for this. Handle it.
Me: I’ll have a scotch on the rocks with a twist
Bartender slides drink
“Your dad’s alive. He’s hiding in Cuba”M: Did NOT see that coming
[first day as detective]
Me: it looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me, pointing at bullet wound: well yeah
FFS. A bunch of ants are making brunch plans and doing yoga,because I spilled my Pumpkin Spice Latte,
I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.
My daughter went back to college today and I texted her that I missed her so much and she texted back 2.5 hours later, “Yes.” Then, “Sorry, that wasn’t for you.”
I WAS IN LABOR FOR 14 HOURS
Why is there never a child around when you need help opening a bottle of Tablets with a child proof lock?
“Dad this is serious I’m in jail”
Hi serious this is dad
“Dad! Be serious! Wait NO!”
HI SERIOUS THIS IS SERIOUS!
RESUME HACK: Want to avoid the unpleasantries of listing your criminal record? Turn that weakness into a strength with “I’m a person of strong convictions.”
This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.
The kitchen trash will be overflowing and my kids will keep stacking garbage on top like they’re playing Jenga.
She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.
road rage
-watches two minutes of the news
-locks kids in their rooms forever
“if you could dinner with any scientist, alive or dead, which one would it be?”
“schrodinger”
It’s weird how nail clippers seem to breed in your bathroom drawer then scatter when you need a pair like some bizarre version of Andy’s toys.
*hip thrusts my way to the buffet table*
[at the vets]
He’s really bad. He can’t fly.
“He’s a cat though.”
[very sarcastically] oh I’m sorry is this the vets or the excuses clinic?
They called me hysterical, and I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed
I do not want an AI that writes books for me, I want an AI that can use my FitBit data to figure out when I’ve fallen asleep listening to an audiobook and pause it so I don’t suddenly wake up in the middle of chapter 29 wondering where the hell this Steve character came from
Want to change your name without any legal hassles? Just come up with a new pronunciation, the government isn’t even keeping track of that. Congratulations Brenda, you’re Breenday now and no one can stop you
If Google can’t find the answer, it’s not a question.
I’m posting this because I’m honestly at a loss. I’ve been in this situationship for as long as I can remember & I need advice. There’s this guy & he’s honestly SO nice & he gets me whatever I want but he only visits once a year & only when I’m sleeping & then he just disappears.
I’m just curious if anyone has been through anything like this? Any advice? I don’t even have his number I just write him letters.
I’m getting arthritis in my pinky finger which is making it painful to drink tea in my upper-class social circles.
I can drop it like it’s hot just don’t ask me to get up
This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.